So last night I decided to head over to Panama's after Arlette's good bye dinner to well-you know.
We were cuddling and I decided to have the talk about what exactly it is that we're doing here, because I hate playing games and we need to just get this out of the way. At first he was hesitant to say anything but I had to put my foot down and tell him, look Dude I don't care what you have to say, if you never call me because I freak you out, just say what you have to say. Im not going to be sad much less shed a tear if you never talk to me again because we had "the talk."
So Panama informs me he was in a really long relationship about a year ago, and that's all over and she's moved on and he's over it in the sense that he knows he can't have her. However, he thinks about her all the time and doesn't see himself getting completely over her anytime soon. I would think this was a cop out for just saying hey you and I are just going to have sex, however what it comes down to is that Panama has a Midland.
You guys know how I feel about Midland and well Im sure my feelings for him aren't going to stop anytime soon, I am willing to move on but only partially. I am not sure what is going to happen with Panama. Honestly, we have great chemistry, he's very sweet to me. We laugh and joke around together a lot. He shows me he cares in little insignificant ways and I do sense he has true respect for me.
Once again we've come to the conclusion that we don't know each other, we want to continue to spend time together and to get to know each other. We'll see what will happen, but as of right now we're both going to just have fun with it. Im completely fine with that because he's chosen my way of honesty rather then beating around the bush. So many guys make things very complicated and I hate that, I made that clear to him. It was great that we were able to clarify things and agree that we're seeking simplicity in this. Who knows where that will take us.
Friday, July 28, 2006
So last night I decided to head over to Panama's after Arlette's good bye dinner to well-you know.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
I saw Panama last night. He got back from NYC yesterday, I honestly did not expect a call until saturday if that. At 4:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon while I was getting ready to leave work my cell phone started ringing. I was in total shock when Panama was calling.
He was driving home from the aiport and was wondering what I was doing later in the evening. After much I don't have a ride drama I finally was able to take my Mom's car to go see him, we had dinner, good conversation, and well you know the rest.
At dinner we actually mostly talked about my weekend cause he wanted to know how good/bad I was. I told him I was good, in reality what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Like I told him, it really doesn't matter wether I was good or not. We're not together, he didn't like that too much, but Im straight to the point. He and I can have all the fun we want, that's what its all about right?
It was a really good time and Im sure we'll hang out again this weekend, he seemed really happy to see me and well Im sure the three hours he spent with me were a lot more fun then 6 days in NYC.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Ever since the beginning of my infatuation with N*Sync I knew that there was something
gay different about Lance Bass.
Apparently I wasn't the only one having dirty fantasies with Justin Timberlake. Lance Bass has finally revealed he's gay. Omg! GASP!!!
I love it when celebrities come out with secrets like this, it's as funny as Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan trying to cover up they are sluts. It just can't be done.
Who would have thought? No way we could have guessed with his manly waxed eyebrows, his girly expressions, the fact he hung out at gay bars, and his "best friend" and him would share clothes. Good for Lance for coming out, Clay I think it's your turn. You guys could tour together with Prince, haha.
I had such a good nap last night and I could have slept all the way until morning, but being that I knew that JT would be premiering his new video, Sexy Back. I made sure I woke up in time to watch it. I have been in love with JT from the very beginning, I loved him even during my virgin years. He awakened my sexuality though and I remember being 14 and imagining doing dirty, nasty, rhough things with him. In my head sex with JT went exactly as it does at the end of this video.
I was in love with the song before the video, but now this is staying on repeat. Enjoy.
Arlette's Last Weekend in Austin.
I know you guys have been waiting for it, or not, but here it is anyway.
I had one goal in mind, to make out with a random guy. I've never done it before and well the #1 reason was really because Panama had warned me repeatedly the night before to be good while he was gone. Hah. Panama has no idea who he was talking to, I was originally planning on behaving on my own but just because HE told me to I decided to do exactly the opposite. If he wants to play games I'll play along, but Im going to play the game better.
I finally convinced Diana to get out some so Diana, Arlette, Marissa and I headed dt. We decided to go to 6th but at some point we decided that Foundation sounded better. We weren't planning on staying at Foundation long, but I made eye contact with a boy, flirted with the boy, and I had found the boy I was going to make out with. I didn't drink too much, but at some point in the night a random guy at the bar bought Arlette and I yager bombs. Santi knows that I always refuse yager bombs, even free yager bombs but I was going to be bad, so I had to go all out.
What the Yager Bomb did:
I got really friendly with Foundation boy, even though I never do that in public. Don't worry no kissing, well just on the cheek.
I didn't want to go home so the Yager Bomb convinced me that Arlette and I should go party with Foundation boy and friends at his place.
Yager Bomb gets me wasted, I pass out.
Yager Bomb makes me forget the previous evening.
Yager Bomb makes me wake up wondering where the hell I am, who's bed Im in?
I finally remember who's bed Im in, but Im alone.
Yager Bomb apparently made me a bitch to the guy, so he got none (this is good), and I made him sleep on the floor of his own room cause, "I sure as hell wasn't going to sleep with a boy I didn't know in his bed."
I know im a bitch, but you have to admit that's pretty damn funny. Oh and yes I capitalized yager bomb, this Yager Bomb had a life of it's own apparently.
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Arlete and I spent all saturday recovering, by going to the mall. I bought a really cute kimono style dress to wear to Vicci that night.
Vicci was great, I flirted shamelessly all night. We scored a lot of free drinks, and in honor of Arlette's last weekend in town I even let uglies buy us drinks. We ended up seeing two of Panama's friends that evening, well actually we saw them at Foundation the night before too. They apparently were trying to avoid us because they were asses. We thought they were nice guys, which is why we talked to them despite of the fact that they are ugly. Oh well at least they'll serve a purpose cause Im sure they will relay to Panama how scandalous I was all weekend.
We ended up meeting a super hot guy from Puerto Rico and his ok looking white guy friend. Since it was Arlette's last weekend in town I let her keep the hot one and I danced with the white boy. They ended up being really nice, and we had a great time dancing with them until they kicked us out of Vicci at 3:30 a.m.
Do you remember how big of a bitch I can be?
We walked out of Vicci and headed straight to the valet stand, only the valet guys were missing, as were all the keys in the valet box. Wtf? Vicci is my reg sat night spot and we always valet park, at 3:30 a.m. the valet guys are still getting cars. So I spotted one of them carrying his red shirt and vest.
So I go up to him pissed and ask where the hell our car is. He asks me what kind of car it is and once I tell him he hands me the keys out of all the other 10 sets he had. He tells me they are closed, and of course I inform him that they must have closed early today because the are NEVER done with valet by this time. I ask him where the car is and he says, somewhere on 3rd st? SOMEWHERE, on 3rd st? Ok yeah that's really helpful, do you know how many grey Honda Civics there are going to be on 3rd st in dt Austin? Do you realize that you just totally bailed out of your job early and that you are pissing off a Honduran woman? In the midsts of me screaming at him I notice that this guy is more drunk than I am. So I ask him if he's drunk, and at this point one of his friends informs me that they're allowed to drink too. Excuse me? IM NOT allowed to drink at my job and Im sitting down at a desk for 8 hours and YOUR FRIEND who is a VALET GUY is ALLOWED to DRINK on his job WHILE DRIVING MY CAR? I asked Valet guy who he is employed with and told him I was going to call monday morning and report him (yes, I did). How dare he drink and drive and get into other people's vehicles and think its perfectly ok, or even normal? I am pretty sure at this point I was about to take off my heels and hit him with them, so the guys were with and Arlette came over and told me to leave it alone and go find the car. They were able to make me go with them but only while I was screaming at the Valet guy the whole way down the fucking street. So we're on 3rd st and at this point I see one Honda Civic, go over to it, NOT IT. Great, this was going to be fun. Walk back to Arlette and the guys inform them that's not our Honda Civic and here comes my knight in shining armor, actually he was wearing a SIX shirt.
So I asked him if he knew were the valet lot for Vicci is, and he says yeah. This guy was so nice that he didn't point to it, or tell us where it was. He took us to it. We finally found the car and I promise I am going to go to SIX this weekend just to see this guy and give him a huge hug and a kiss. I love him.
As Arlette and I are driving home the guys we met at Vicci call and ask us what we were doing, we tell them we are driving home. They ask us where Arlette lives and we it happens that they live in the apt complex right across the st. They offered alochol and of course we said yes. It was a very mellow, low key, but fun time. We talked, well actually they made fun of how spicy, crazy, and latina I had gotten. I did get very latina, but damn I had a good fucking reason.
I spent all day recovering, I hid out in my room while my Mom had all her friends over for lunch and I didn't make my way out of the room until it was time for the Miss Universe pageant and Arlette came over and we pigged out.
At about midnight I got a call from Colombia. Colombia is this hot Colombian boy who I once dated, Colombia ended up being an ass. However, since I am not able to hold grudges he and I have been talking here there recently. Well we talked until 4:30 a.m. on Sunday. I swear I felt 16 all over again, who the hell talks on the phone that long? Well apparently a Honduran and a Colombian do because neither one of us knew how to just STFU.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
My Boss has been out of town for the past week. This means I have nothing to do. I have browsed the internet every single minute that I have been at work this week. There is only so much googling, facebooking, messageboard, comic, and blog reading that one can do. I have nothing interesting going on at the moment so I have nothing to write about. The only thing I can tell you is that Im bored. Im becoming stupider by the second and that Im pretty sure the internet has sucked 85% of my brain cells. I can't wait to go and get rid of some more by drinking a whole bunch this weekend. This is Arlette's last full weekend in Austin, Im so incredibly sad. I don't know what I'll do without her.
I will do nothing without her. I love being social and partying, and I've been doing so much of it lately. Im going to miss it. On a more positive note it is about that time that I start getting ready for school again, to get back into working out hardcore,and to spend less money. I still don't want her to leave. Im hoping that McAllen won't be so good to her (shhhh), so she'll come back to me. She's become my other half and that's really hard to find. Im trying to avoid the thought of next week and Im going to focus on having a fabulous time this weekend. Our hispanic boys are out in NY this weekend, so we're on the hunt for new boys to take advantage of ;)
I am currently in search of excitment, new fun girlfriend, and hot boys.
Apply within. I hope you don't mind I pay in the form of fun and not in cash.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
"Im single again, LOL."
That's how Midland, the love of my life ended his myspace message to me last night. He first apologized for accusing me of calling/emailing his work and getting him in trouble. Of course I didn't do that, so he apologized for thinking it was me but he also had to throw in that he was single again. Honestly I didn't think it was an LOL type of situation. I thought breaking up with someone who you called Baby, and who you said I love you to is supposed to be emotional, even sad. Or at least it was for us when we broke up.
Me: It's funny that you're single again?
Midland: It only lasted three weeks, she turned out to be a psycho too faced bitch.
He called me that once.
Me: Oh so she turned out to be an Emma?
Midland: No you're just crazy about me, she's psycho and has to take drugs for it.
Midland message #2:
You look great in your pictures.
I can't believe the 25 y/o single mother who worked at Hooters didn't turn out to be the love of his life! Im totally surprised that she's so pyscho that she has to take "drugs" for it. Isn't crack whore part of the job description for Hooters Girl? He's very luck that he didn't end up becoming her Baby Daddy. No, you don't have to be the biological father to be a Baby Daddy. My Brother's Boss who is a successful, super hot and extremely nice 25 y/o is a Baby Daddy. His Baby Momma is pyscho and Im not using psycho lightly here, I mean the woman showed up at my b-day dinner with kid in tow un-invited after checking his voice mail and hearing where we were going to be at, and that is a mild instance of psychoness on her part. The kid isn't even his but he's Baby Daddy.
So back to Midland, I think the reason he said LOL after he told me was single was because he thought that maybe after I read that I would be laughing at him. Im sure he thought I was thinking to myself how much of an asshole he is, and that he totally deserved it. He forgot something, I love him. When I say I love him, Im not just throwing that around. I mean it. I meant it enough to walk away from him when I found out he was with her,I meant it enough to step away, move on and let him enjoy his happiness. I didn't say one single word about it, I sucked it up, cried alone and kept everything I felt to myself. I kept myself from emailing him to make fun of him or remind him how much better I am than the Hooters Mom. I know for most people that would be easy to do, but not for me. He wasn't lying, I was crazy about him. Midland forgot about something though, a promise, I promise I made to him while we were together. He told me in tears that no one ever understood him, that everyone always left him. I promised him that no matter what I would never leave him, I promised I would always be there. He forgot that I love him.
I love him, with all my heart. I never stopped loving him despite finding out he was dating this girl or despite that fact that Im attempting to move on. Of course Im not looking to get back together with him, surprisingly the news he wasn't with her anymore made me more sad for him than anything. You'd think I would be happier that this means I might have another chance with him. I don't have another chance with him and as much as I would like that sometimes, realistically speaking it would not be good for us. A month ago I would have jumped for joy, I would have called everyone who I thought might care. Right now Im simply just sorry for him. For once Im not resting all hopes and emotions in him and that makes me feel really empowered.
Regardless about what others might say I know what true love is. The world has this ideal of what true love is, that's what I've always thought until now. True love is not what I've always thought it to be, true love is exactly opposite of what I imagined. True love is deeply caring for someone and standing by as they make their lives with or without you, but always wishing them the best. True love is being there for them when they need you the most, but most importantly it's learing to let go when they need to be let go. True love is to laugh when they laugh, but more importantly to hurt when they hurt. True love is to cherish the good things that you had with them and to hold onto them in your heart, but more importantly true love is to forgive and throw out all the wrong that was done and to learn from it. True love for me is Midland.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Drinking started at Baby A's, 5:15 p.m. with the my Crazy Married Friend. I drank 4 potent Baby A's Ritas and I became crazy drunk dialing stalker. So my illness struck again and guess who I called? Panama. Do you remember the blog I teased you with? I know you guys were wondering who I was talking about, well it was Panama. He and I were supposed to hang out Thurs and well he didn't call and I didn't get upset I got extremely pissed off. So I called him in the midst of my drunkeness and told him that I was mad at him, I wasn't just going to let him get off easy. He said he'd call me later, cause we had something to talk about. So he pissed me off even more.
Panama apparently thought I was stupid or too drunk to understand what he wanted to tell me. First of all Im not stupid, and no matter how drunk I was I knew what he wanted to say. I just didn't understand why he didn't want to give me the typical guy speech of how he's not ready for commitment. So he said he'd call me later and of course he didn't. Further adding to my wrath.
Arlette and I went to see Devil Wears Prada, but not before stopping to stock up on alcohol to stuff into our purses so we could kill two birds with one stone and do our pre-downtown drinking during the movie. The movie was awesome, Im sure the alcohol might have helped but I want to see it again. Its very different from the book as far as the details are concerned but other than that, I loved it. The
alcohol movie got me in a much better mood and I was ready to have some fun downtown with Arlette, Luis, and Luis' cousin, Lety who was visiting.
We decided to head to Foundation to start of the night and as soon as we get on 4th St guess who is walking our way on the same sidewalk? Panama and Friends! I normally would have been embarrassed but I was so pissed off at him, I walked right past him and didn't even acknowledge him or his friends. So as we are about to walk into Foundation Luis texted and said to meet him at Glass so we went back the way we came and guess who we run into again? Yes, Panama and Friends. So this time we all managed to say hello and talk about where we were going, they were headed to 6th we were headed to Fado. Luis being the fabulous gay man that he is decided however that we should head to Spill to dance our asses off. We didn't make it into spill without of course running into Panama and posse again. This time we decided to ignore each other again and that was fine with me. Spill was awesome, we surely did dance our asses off and made the most of my crazy, drunken friday night.
Sat July 15th:
When I got to Arlette's my car wouldn't start and once it did it would not stop stalling. The same car I just payed $800 to get repaired, I hate that piece of shit. So I ended up sleeping over at Arlette's and the next morning when I woke up I found out I had missed a call from Panama at 3:25 a.m.
wtf? I decided not to call back of course, this time I was seriously done and I had already erased his number from my cell phone, too bad for me I am incredibly good at remembering phone numbers. Panama called at around noon and I almost didn't answer but I figured we might as well have that conversation so we could end things. He was surprisingly extremely nice, and asked me if I was ok. I of course lied and told him I was. He explained to me that at this time in his life he was just wanted to relax, have fun, didn't want committment. blah blah blah
I told him of course that I already knew that, that I wasn't stupid and that he was getting way ahead of himself. I asked him what made him think that me wanting to spend time with him meant that I wanted him to be my bf? I told him that I was extremely picky and not flatter himself and that I was trying to get to know him. We ended the conversation on a really good note and we both agreed to take things slow and get to know each other better because we both liked each other so far, and there was no need to rush. He promised he'd see me at Vicci later that night.
I called my Dad told him about the car and he insisted I hang out at Arlette's until he could get to my car, so Arlette and I headed over to hang out at Luis' apt and even Santi made a cameo. We watched Mommie Dearest,I loved it but not as much as Luis who kept on calling his Dog, Gordito Dearest. I finally convinced Arlette and Luis to let me watch an episode of Freshman Diaries. You see Arlette and Luis were in a reality tv show their freshman year at UT. It was on showtime and it was basically a video diary of their lives as freshman. It was beyond hilarious to see the trouble and drama they created for themselves as I am sure we all did at that age, it was truly priceless. The rest of the afternoon was spent veggin out until my Dad finally called and temporarily fixed my car.
Arlette and I arrived at Vicci, ordered drinks and headed to the patio to check out what was going on outside. Guess who is the first we see in the Patio? Panama.
Panama and a friend were having a drink and talking. I decided to go ahead and say hello and he immediately started flirting. Arlette and I excused ourselves and told him we were going to dance. We ended up dancing for a while until I had to stop cause I was so hot I thought I was going to pass out and I didn't want my hair to get curly. We headed to the patio because it was cooler outside than it was inside, did I just pay $10 to get into that place?
Once we were outside Panama came over and said he was about to come and get us and he ordered both Arlette and I a drink. He was as he is always very affectionate with me, grabbing my waist, hugging me and holding my hand. He asked me if I was dancing with guys, and if I was dancing close and of course I told him yes. Even though I didn't let a single guy touch me. He told me he was jealous and I liked it. The rest of the night was spent with Panama and Arlette and I dancing. There were quite a bit of Panama's friends that stopped by and danced with us, but he didn't leave me alone for a second and he was being very sweet. All of his friends left and he ended up staying with Arlette and I at Vicci until we headed out at 3, he waited for our car with us and we drove him to his car. When he was getting out of the car I got out with him to give him a good night kiss since I had denied him one all night and then of course we somehow agreed it was best if he took me home. He did take me home, and we'll just say it was a good time in the car ;)
(You can save your, "He just wants to get laid sermons." I have this under control)
Sunday July 16th
I woke up very early to go to a memorial mass. I was there to support my Brother and despite of how tired I was from the late night before I got up and went to a Catholic Church for my family.
I spent the rest of the day watching Lifetime movies and cleaning. It was good to just be at home and get some rest. Panama called that evening and he was still very happy from the night before, we're in a good place. He's leaving for NYC on Fri and will be gone until next Wed. Im supposed to call him sometime this week so we can hang out before he leaves, I hope everything goes well cause I enjoy
sex spending time with him. I promise you guys though if hanging out doesn't happen, I won't see him ever again. Although I highly doubt that as being possible considering I know run into him everywhere I go.
Friday, July 14, 2006
In regards to my previous blog, I know you guys are wondering, what, where, when, who? I don't wish to disclose those details at this time, I think part of me wishes that perhaps there will be a positive resolution this weekend. I will say it does not involve any of you that read this. I promise that I will explain everything on monday and then you'll kick yourself in the ass for even caring, cause really its not that big of a deal and it's stupid. Just make sure you kick your ass not mine. Im about to meet my crazy married friend (no, not Bob) for drinks at Baby A's. I need one or two, or 5. See ya til next monday blog, I won't miss you.
I usually only give once change, I gave two. So this is all my fault. I take the blame but now I've deleted what should have been deleted a long time ago. I wasn't nice enough to warn you that you didn't want to meet the bitch in me, so good luck. It should be a good time for you.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Over Heard In New York
Why I love it so much, I love randomness, I love eavesdropping on people cause I know this is the type of crazy/funny shit that is said.
Woman: But He's so funny when he's not having seizures.
--Delancey & Essex
Overheard by: Evan
Black Woman looking at Nacho Libre Poster: I don't want to see foreign shit. Fuck that!
--AMC theatre, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: K. Smith
Jesus saved me already you fucking cunt!
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tourist Guy: Wow. I love this city. If New York had a cunt, I would eat it.
Overheard by: Monzo
So there is lots of cussing and pervertedness. I like it.
Santi suggested we go check out Blues On The Green at Zilker Park.
Bob picked me up at work due to my lack of car situation.
Mr.Bob converted master bedroom into a sweet media room.
Bob let me borrow a tank top and flip flops so I didn't have to go to BOTG in heels.
Bob gave me beer.
Calling Santi at some person's cell phone over and over again to try and get directions to BOTG.
Santi slurring so much I can't understand him.
Snippy came back from her trip looking hot. (Yeah, I said it again!)
Drinking 3 beers at Bob's place, one in Bob's car and one courtesey of Bob at BOTG.
Bob gets me drunk :)
Snippy tells me to shut up, or stop saying that a lot, but I keep on saying it anyway. She puts up with it.
Bob reminding me of my illness before I picked up my cell to call Panama.
We talk about boobs a lot.
Santi scared Panama with his posse of gay men.
Bob and Snippy made me ask this guy if his great dane was a great dane.
Bob and Snippy make me go as the guy with the great dane if the great dane was mixed.
Bob calls out "French Boy" on not being French.
Seeing gay drama out the corner of my eye.
Bob offering to put Panama's bike in the back of her car.
Santi actually can manage to make Panama think he is trying to hook up with Bob.
How I can walk up to them and loudly announce that Panama and I are having dinner and lots of hot sex tomorrow.
All of them making fun, epxressing opinions about how truly smitten I am of Panama.
Calling Arlette right after to tell her all about my wonderful night.
Walking into Trudys to see Luis and not having to wait for a table.
Having Santi call me drunk and fat a million times during dinner, ok wait that should be on the why I hate my friends list. (jk Bitch, I love you.)
Mexican Martinis taste a lot better when you're sharing them with Bob, Mr. Bob, Santi and Snippy.
Bob drove me home.
Even better, soon we'll be playing kickball on a team, Team Ramrod. Even better, lots of drinking after kick ball.
Calling Arlette when I get home so we can finish talking about how she needs to just say no to that guy, how Panama is taking me out to dinner tonight, and about how she should come home like today.
I love you guys!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Today I find myself in a very depressive state of mind. I woke up and I just knew that I was going to have a bad day. I hate everything today, my hair, my face, my body, my job, the sun,people, I even hate this stupid blog. Im usually a very happy, satisfied and fulfilled individual. I do not suffer from chronic depression, I don't go to therapy, and I don't take medications. I don't need them my depression isn't in an illness you see, my depression is merely waking up on the wrong side of the bed, female hormones, and men. My depression mostly consists of a day once a month of pure constant moping, complaining, and crying. My depressive days are usually caused by a situation that I just can't get over that day, so I decide to dwell in it. It's only 11:30 a.m. and today I already decided that this is going to be a bad day, I have 12 hours and 30 minutes left of today and Im pretty sure every single second is going to be bad. The reason my depression doesn't worry or alarm me is simply because I know it is fabricated depression. Let me clarify one thing first before people start getting psycho on me, I am not generalizing on all those affected by depression, Im talking about myself. I am fully aware that depression is a serious medical condition and I support medical treatment for it very much. Now, what I have discovered about my depression is that it is fabricated, its not real. I trick myself into believing certain things about the situations, people, and things that are depressing me. Im a pessimist, I always expect the worst and because of that I shield myself with depression. I know I'll be perfectly fine if things don't work out the way I want them to, but I hate disappointment and I take things way too hard. I know I am capable of handling extremely emotional situations very well. I have had to deal with some serious issues in the past, life and death situations. I never was depressed when I was dealing with them, I was strong, courageous and a shoulder for others to lean on. The things that depress me and cause me to have a horrible days are things like, my hair is frizzy, getting a stain on my shirt, not wanting to be at work, that Im not at the beach, that certain boy not calling, my parents pissing me off and not having a car. They are idiotic miniscule things that the average person would just roll of their shoulders. I grip them hard because lord knows that the stain on my shirt is going to cause me drop dead any second now. In reality I grip hard on them because I don't like pain, I hate emotional pain. I am more than capable of dealing with it, but why do that? I can just expect the worst, have a shitty day all day long and if things don't work out I already dealt with the disappointment ahead of time. However, the best part about my depression is that if things do go the way I want them to I end up having the best day ever and I end up enjoying things going my way so much more. I commit emotional sabotage to avoid true sadness and depression. Is it selfish? Yes. Is it horrible? Not so much, it has worked out for me well so far. I can be stupid and selfish if I want to after all Im not hurting anyone only myself, they key is though Im hurting myself less then the real world would and that my friends is a beautiful thing.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
They like me. They follow me. They check me out and tell me how beautiful I am and how nice my outfit is. What the hell do old balls know about fashion? It creeps me out, makes me want to vomit, and I want to kick the old balls. I don't. In some weird way I feel sorry for the old balls, I mean they're old. They get no play. I hate the old balls not only for the awful things they do and make me feel, but for making me feel sorry for them. Damn it.
Monday, July 10, 2006
The plan was to meet up with all the latin boys, Arlette and I were looking way too hot. We went to 6th and passed by Spill and told the guys at the door that no, we weren't going in. However they said free drink, and next thing you know we're at the bar. We danced long enough to finish the drink and headed over to meet Victor at Bling Pig. I saw some people from hs, and I just have issues with people from hs. Most of them are still stuck there, and mentally I left high school sophomore year into it. It was good to catch up with Victor and hear about his trip to Mexico and Cuba. Arlette and I left to go to Aquarium and I ended up running into someone else from hs, he was with his new gf so we talked to them for a few minutes. We also saw the most disgusting thing ever, and all I have to say is that I love free alcohol as much as the next person but there are some people that just go way too far for free booze. We saw a bachelorette party, the bachelorette gets on her knees on the bar and her friend stands abover her with a dildo in bj position. Bride to be sucks it and Arlette and I want to puke. My friend tells me that the bartender told him that they wash that thing at the end of the night but not in between, gross. So not only do you humiliate yourself in front of a bar you could most likely end up with some nasty disease from sucking on that thing. The best part about Friday night is that I didn't end up spending a single dollar since it seems everywhere I went the drinks were on the house, it seems that I have found my new dt outfit. The bad part about that night, bouncers were being assholes. I just don't deal with assholes, you know if you want to give me a hard time about coming into your stupid ass bar Im just not going to go in there. Im not gonna be the girl that begs and Im most definitely not going to enter that bar to pay for overpriced drinks that will cover your shitty ass paycheck. I got in a bad mood pretty quickly, I was drunk, sad, and for some reason I just wanted to see that Panamanian boy. So you know what happens next, my illness struck and this attack was pretty severe. I called him not once, but twice, he never answered. To make it worse I called again when I made it home and still no luck. I made myself feel better that night, not something I should have done cause I felt even shittier after.
I woke up only to remember my drunk dialing, realized that I had acted completely psycho and totally wanted to shoot myself. I went and ruined a perfectly good change to get to know a guy. Arlette had called and texted me a million times after 2 a.m. on Friday apparently the guys had called and wanted us to after party with them, I was kind of glad I missed those calls cause I was so embarrased and didn't want to see Panama for anything in this world. I still managed to place another phone call that afternoon and left a message apologizing for the night before, Im telling you I just can't leave shit alone. I even pondered not going out at all but it was Melinda's Bday celebration and I had known about it forever and I just couldn't skip it. Arlette and I made our way dt and she had her heart on seeing the guys, I told her that I could have done without that. I just didn't want to risk the chance of seeing Panama. Arlette managed to make me feel better by telling me that he probably wouldn't even be there because she didn't think that he hung out with the other guys that often and that if I did see him just act cool and pay no attention to him. We hung out with Melinda her husband and friends at Logans. It was really low key, fun and Melinda looked absolutely stunning. We then headed to Vicci sure we'd run into the guys there, I was really nervous and it was kind of nice when we didn't end up running into them. We managed to get into VIP cause I saw one of Colombian's friends there. Vicci was not up to its potential that night, or maybe it was the lack of alcohol in my system. Arletted texted Memo and he didn't answer, I was happy, she wasn't. As soon as the techno came on we left Vicci and as we were walking to the car Memo finally texted and asked Arlette what we were doing. Arlette told her we were leaving Vicci and he asked us to come to the after party. I was already nervous and didn't want to go. The thought of seeing Panama made me sick to my stomach but Arlette was sure he wasn't there. So we're on the phone with Memo and as soon as we hit 29th street this car starts flashing its lights at us, it drives up and it was them. I wasn't paying much attention to them as I was freshening up but Arlette says, "Emma omg, he's in the back."
I had a panic attack and I chugged the entire mixture of Vodka and red liquid that was in Arlette's Car. As we pulled up to the gas station we saw each other and he waved, I waved back and then I wanted to puke. So there I was having my little fit in the car and I decided that I would just after party by myself in the car, but Arlette didn't let me. We all walked into James' apt together and he had of course said hi and kissed my cheek by this time, he was totally nice and cool, I was falling apart inside but acted calmly. As we're walking up I was telling Arlette about how pissed I was the my $80 shirt sucked because the buttons would always pop open. So of course he hears this and mentions that its a good thing. I started to feel better cause he was flirting and that was nice. James was already in the apt making drinks. So I take one of the fruity drinks he mixed and Panama comes over and starts talking to me. We made small talk, mostly about how our week went. He informed me that he was finally feeling a lot better, that he had gone to see Pirates of the Carribean the night before that he didn't go out. I know he was saying all these things to make me feel better. Then he asks me what happened the night before and as I almost spit my drink right in front of him and die of humiliation I say, " I was drunk, " and he just says, "Oh yeah well I didn't go out last night, sorry."
He then asked to have a taste of my drink and he pulled something out of his mouth and said, "James there is plastic in this drink." Panama tells me to stop drinking it and of course I say no. You don't waste perfectly good alcohol a little plastic never killed anyone. At this time one of the other guys asked me to dance, so I did and well at this point he had started talking to some skinny ass bitch, yeah I got a little jealous, haha. So Im enjoying the dance and all of a sudden he starts dancing with her, I was crushed but I tried not to act like it. After the dance we both made our way into the very crowded kitchen and Memo and Arlette are having a conversation.
Memo: White girls are better at sex.
Me: I could see that, just cause they are more open and liberated about sex. In hispanic countries sex is so taboo.
Arlette: Well white guys have bigger penises than hispanic men.
Every guy in the room: Mierda, that's not true.
Me: No its true, believe me, I have a theory.
Panama: I don't think so, we can prove you wrong right now.
Me: Maybe later.
Everything about that night was hot, it was just so damn steamy in there. I loved it. I danced with Panama all night after that, he also proceeded to be very affectionate in front of his friends. It was sweet. He held my hand, grabbed my waist, hugged me, we cuddled, I sat on his lap, put my head against his chest he only tried to kiss me once and I didn't let him. It was really nice, the conversation was good, the dancing was great, and the affection was even better. At about 5 a.m. he offered to take me home even though it was way out of his way, but he said he lived closed by and we pretty much both new that well he wouldn't take me home until the next morning. He pinky sweared that he wouldn't do anything that night and I agreed to going along with it. Im not going to go into any more details of the night, however let's just say that things got a little out of control. Not with me, I was surprisingly good. Let's just say the quote of the night was when I said, "Arlette how much plastic did you drink?"
He kept his promise. There wasn't a point at all were we didn't cuddle, I gave in and gave him a kiss. Im falling for him hard.
Sunday morning was even more wonderful ;)
He took me home after buying me breakfast since I didn't want to go in public in his t-shirt, my skirt and my heels. The whole drive home he was still being affectionate and invited me to go watch the world cup game with him. I really couldn't believe that he wanted to see me again that same day. I didn't end up going to Ringers to watch the game but we did have a post game bbq invite and I was sure I would see him there. When we got to the BBQ he wasn't there, and I was pretty dissapointed. Five minutes into it, my phone rings. I didn't think anything of it but the screen all of a sudden said, "Llamando: Ismael."
I had to keep my self from screaming, I was in front of all his friends. So he asks me where I ended up watching the game and I told him at home, and he said he couldn't get in at ringers so he did the same. I asked him what he was doing and said that he was on his way to Killeen to pick up his Mom who was visiting and bringing her back to Austin so she could spend a couple of days with him. I was a little bummed out that I wasn't going to see him, and Im pretty sure I won't see him until his Mother leaves. I respect his time with his Mom and I don't want to interrupt that. Im also going to wait until he calls and even though it sucked that I didn't get to see him, Im super excited that he did call. The very same day! I might be falling a bit hard here, but I don't care. This feels wonderful, the butterflies are present and I haven't had them in a long time, Im going to enjoy them. I know for sure I'll see him sat at the big party the boys are throwing. So ladies next saturday there will be a party with a lot of hot latin boys, there will be alcohol and lots of dancing. Join us!
Friday, July 07, 2006
I have a rare illness. The condition is extremely far advanced the chances of me coming out of this normal is pretty slim. Chances are this condition will most likely continue to affect me for the rest of my life, the few options that are available have only about a 20% of success in curing me. Most of them I am not a candidate for.
Option 1: Stop consuming any alcohol. Now I've attempted this before and the most I've ever lasted is a couple of weeks, also this illness will most likely continue even if I stop the consumption of alcohol. Therefore I have chosen to continue to drink.
Option 2: Shock therapy. Most likely the option I will choose.
Option 3: This is the most gruesome and painful. It is so severe that this would bring me to handicap level and I would no longer be able to perform every day tasks, I would have to adjust to a completely different lifestyle. This option is to have my hands and feet amputated. I will most likely not go with this option.
Option 4: This option is virtually impossible to do as this would cut me off from all my friends and I would no longer be able perform my job. I will not be choosing this option, I have been addicted to this particular thing since I was a young teen in middle school and ever since then there hasn't been a day in my life that I haven't used the telephone. That's right one of the options is to never, ever touch or use a telephone ever gain. I would have to have all types of telephones removed from my presence and reach.
Option 5: Is to no longer pursue men. I will not be able to go with this option for sure. Men are just too hot and I need sex.
You see my friends I have been diagnosed by Arlette as a Dialer. Hello my name is Emma and I am a dialer. Im a rare kind of dialer, most dialers aren't only affected by the influence of alcohol. I am a sober dialer and a drunk dialer. I just can't leave it alone. I just can't stop thinking about it. I have to have reassurance and resolution always. If I don't I will have anxiety attacks, convulsions and highly likely to blow up the entire universe.
I called him, I was supposed to wait until sunday if I was to even call him at all. I couldn't even make it one day. Who wants to volunteer to keep my phone for the weekend or the rest of my life?
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Google AdSense is really trying to tell me something. The ads from Google AdSense cracked me up today. Here is what they have to say or suggest to those who read my blog:
Inside A Boyfriends Mind10 Free Secrets On Men & Commitment To Keep Relationships & Love Alive
Single in Austin?Meet quality Austin Singles Parties, Trips and Introductions
You see AdSense Im pretty sure that those links aren't really helpful to anyone else but me. First of all I have maybe three readers: Bob, who has a Mr. Bob so she obviously already knows how to keep a man around and obviously in no need to meet any single men. There is Snippy who is far more experienced than any of us as far as relationships go and who is dealing with Lucky drama at the moment among other things. You might think that those links would be helpful to Santi however that boy is beyond help some sluts can't be tamed. (I love you)
So you see AdSense was totally speaking to me. However when I signed up for AdSense they somehow discovered my master scheme to become a millionaire. I figured since I only have three readers and they are obviously not going to click on the ads Id click on the ads myself, all day long, like that would be my full time job. Slowly by surely the clicks would add up and AdSense would send me a check for a million dollars. AdSense somehow found out about my master plan and made me promise I wouldn't click on any of the ad links on my blog. So AdSense you're the devil because not only do I have to remain a lowly working class citizen, you have also given me the solution to my relationship or lack of problems but you forbid me to click on that damn link to find out just how I go about doing that. Google AdSense I hate you.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Time for the long weekend recap. Here is what I can remember. Lots and lots of alcohol. Nothing I write could do justice to the amount of alcohol that was consumed this weekend, it was A LOT.
Downtown with Arlette. She suggests going to Foundation, I hate it, but Im nice and I went. Thank you Arlette! We saw Memo (Honduras) there, he introduced us to this guy whose name we don't remember because he was ugly (Mexico), Matt (USA) who I had already met before and James (Panama) introduced himself to me. James is gorgeous, beautiful face, beautiful hair, beautiful flirty personality. He was heavily flirting with me, score. So James, guy who we don't remember, Arlette and I decided we wanted to do some dancing. Memo and the rest of the guys stay there because he's trying to get some Gringa ass, some ugly Gringas ass, but anyway. On the way there more heavy flirting from James. I go up to the bar at Spill and as I am ordering drinks James is grabbing my waist and rubbing his manhood on my ass. His manhood was awake too. Arlette is so proud of me cause he is HOT. So yes I let him rub up all against me cause was hot, I know its slutty but I don't care. I told you I was going to be really really bad. Then guess what happens? Remember the guy who I danced at Vicci the previous sat, the Honduran guy who didn't leave me alone? Well he was there and asks me to dance, AGAIN. So Im nice (so rare, I know) and I did, plus I had to show James I had other options. So he proceeds to tell me that he has not been able to get me off his mind all week, and then I realize I need to go cause I don't want to give that guy my number. So I go back to Arlette and the boys.
Arlette: He's got a gf.
Arlette: Yeah he says he is faithful.
Me: Did you see how he was grabbing me and dancing with me?
Arlette: Um, YES. Slut.
So then we get a call from Memo that we have to head to the after party at James' place like NOW because the stupid gringa had busted ass. I said ok we can leave but lets eat, cause I am starving.
Now the following was said in spanish but I'll be nice and write in English, I can't believe Im being nice again.
James: Do you always let guys rub up against your ass like that?
Me in my head: Omg he's calling me out on this shit, when HE was the one bedhind my ass.
Me in my head: That's not true, but why bother explaining that to him?
James: That's dirty.
Me: You're dirty.
We arrive at Taco Cabana and I notice that we have 15 mins let of drinking time and I order a Margarita. Yummy. It was so good. We all sit down to eat and then a tall, dark, and handsome man strolls in. Says hello to James. His name is Ismael (Panama). The whole time we're eating James is on the phone with his gf, this guy was wooped beyond belief. I have to give mad props to his gf cause how she has such a gorgeous guy wooped is way beyond me. We arrived at James' and he dissappears.
Everyone: Where is James.
Ismael: He walked to his gf's place.
Everyone: Wow, wooped.
So the usual went on, shots of gross liquor and dancing.
We decided to head out and the guys walk us out. As we are leaving Ismael asks me what we are doing tomorrow, so I invite him to float the river with us the next day. He can't because he was going to watch the soccer games with the boys, so I say ok and walk away.
Ismael: Well let me have your number just in case.
Me in my head: Omg breaking my streak was the best thing that could have happened to help me out with the guys.
So Im now attracted to hispanic man, I know I can't believe it either. So far I know that he is from Panama, 25, graduated from UT (I forgot his degree), has a job (I forgot what he does), and drives a Ford Focus (haha).
It was a good night.
Arlette and I loaded up on Vodka and Bacardi and headed for New Braunsfels to float the river. It was raining lightly but we didn't let that stop us, it was really relaxing and it made for really great
sex talk girl talk. I will not say exactly what was said because I don't want to give guys a chance to really know what women talk about. I will say however that my little pep talk did a lot of good and I am that little devil on Arlette's shoulder. After the river I called my ex bf in San Antonio who assured me that we could spend the night at his place, and well he backed out again for the second time. I got pissed off and called him out on it, even though he claims it really wasn't his fault that he miracously lost his keys and his roomate was in Austin. Yeah sure, just how he got in that car wreck last time. Just exactly as Im sure his almost totalled car is perfectly fine now. Im sure that it had nothing to do with the fact that I told him that nothing was going to happen between us and I meant it. Arlette's friend from hs, Joey was kind of enough to let us use his place to get ready for the evening. We met up with Ricardo and Mode, and it was a great night. We went to a private party at Planeta, got our strong drinks paid for, went back to Ricardo's to dance and drink champagne.
Sunday: I woke up freezing and with a bitch of a champagne hang over and alone. First stop: Mama Margies, the best mexican fast food ever. Second stop: Austin? No the river again. Yes, we're crazy. The sun teased us though and we still had some vodka and bacardi left over. We filled two big containers with slushee and vodka/bacardi. Apparently this was an attention grabber because everyone was asking us what we were drinking, including the cop who stopped us. Of course we didn't have our IDs since the tube rental place kept them. So he wasted five minutes of our precious time only to be quickly convinced that we were of age. I guess it will pay off to look young eventually. The river really sucked sunday, it was way too cold and raining heavily. We did make our way back to Austin, got ready and headed to 6th. We met some guys who claimed to be soccer players from England and Scotland, Arlette met a hot Australian, and I managed to dirty dance with the hottest guy at the club. Arlette finally convinced me to go up to dance with him but I should have known better considering he was wearing a pink shirt, which for me is a no no. This is my theory: Men who wear pink claim to do so because they are comfortable in their manhood. That has became the stipulation or assumption when a guy is seen in pink. So naturally men who are insecure or have issues wether its with their sexuality or self esteem wear pink to conceal their insecurities. So naturally I don't date men who wear pink, but it doesn't hurt to dance with them.
I slept in and watched a lof of A&E First 48. Im addicted to this show, its so good. It creeps the hell out of me of course since its a reality show that follows murder investigators for the first 48 hours after discovering a body. I secretly like being scared I guess, I don't know.
Cat, Snippy and Mike finally agreed to meet up with Arlette and I dt after me begging for weeks. It was a blast. Snippy finally got drunk in my presence, it was fabulous. There was a really good crowd out on 6th that night and it was apparent that people were ready to party. We all ended up pretty tipsy and I even ended up with a hot girl in my bed that night ;)
4th of July aka Tuesday:
I was at home until about 3:30 when Mely called and offered to pick me up so I could join her and her gang at the lake at Colombian's. Colombian is this guy who I briefly dated who just happened to turn out to be a big player. Colombian is a very sexy guy, its not his looks but his personality, his way with words, his fun nature, and his dancing. At first it was akward for me to be around him but now we both have an unspoken agreement to act like nothing ever happened between us. So Fer, Rafa, Mely and I made the two hour trip to his place, it normally wouldn't take this long but the heavy rains made it nearly impossible to drive. The Colombian's parents house was really nice and we had a really good time playing a drinking game. We finally made it out to the lake for a swim at about 10 at which point we were ditched by Colombian so he could talk to some random girls. I guess observing him being a slut got to me and I ended up telling Mely, Fer, and Rafa about the whole situation. As I was leaving Colombian and I managed to have a little talk and I might have hinted something sexual, apparently my awesome bartending skills got me pretty tipsy. On the way home I managed to drunk dial my love interest and we talked about possibly hanging out after work yesterday.
I managed to get pretty excited about the date yesterday, however for some reason I had the feeling that it might not happen. I was supposed to call him after work but I decided to wait until about 6 or so I didn't seem to eager. Well he called first at 5:20 and said that I was gonna kill him. Bummer. So first my boyfriend Portugal's Ronaldo breaks my heart by losing in the world cup semi-finals last night to France and then Panama manages to break our date. Despite of that I was a pretty good sport and I told him to get better and that I understood. His voice did sound like it was going out and he sounded like he needed some rest. He promised he'd be no fun, I guess he doesn't know just how much fun I can be. I can raise the dead Im so much fun. I wanted to get off the phone but he made sure to ask me how my day was and as we were saying good bye and I was about to hang up he said, "Hey, Un beso." Damn, I wanted one in person. So here is the thing Arlette says that well it sounded like he was being sincere and Im sure you guys will go out and that he's interested, after all he did ask for my number. However, Beau told me that he didn't mean to be harsh but if this guy really was interested he would drink some coffee, take a shower, small nap, or even a line of coke to wake him up. A guy would do that to hang out with a girl he was really interested in, heart break #3 of the day. So here is my question, what's your opinion on that?