Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Depression Is My BFF

Today I find myself in a very depressive state of mind. I woke up and I just knew that I was going to have a bad day. I hate everything today, my hair, my face, my body, my job, the sun,people, I even hate this stupid blog. Im usually a very happy, satisfied and fulfilled individual. I do not suffer from chronic depression, I don't go to therapy, and I don't take medications. I don't need them my depression isn't in an illness you see, my depression is merely waking up on the wrong side of the bed, female hormones, and men. My depression mostly consists of a day once a month of pure constant moping, complaining, and crying. My depressive days are usually caused by a situation that I just can't get over that day, so I decide to dwell in it. It's only 11:30 a.m. and today I already decided that this is going to be a bad day, I have 12 hours and 30 minutes left of today and Im pretty sure every single second is going to be bad. The reason my depression doesn't worry or alarm me is simply because I know it is fabricated depression. Let me clarify one thing first before people start getting psycho on me, I am not generalizing on all those affected by depression, Im talking about myself. I am fully aware that depression is a serious medical condition and I support medical treatment for it very much. Now, what I have discovered about my depression is that it is fabricated, its not real. I trick myself into believing certain things about the situations, people, and things that are depressing me. Im a pessimist, I always expect the worst and because of that I shield myself with depression. I know I'll be perfectly fine if things don't work out the way I want them to, but I hate disappointment and I take things way too hard. I know I am capable of handling extremely emotional situations very well. I have had to deal with some serious issues in the past, life and death situations. I never was depressed when I was dealing with them, I was strong, courageous and a shoulder for others to lean on. The things that depress me and cause me to have a horrible days are things like, my hair is frizzy, getting a stain on my shirt, not wanting to be at work, that Im not at the beach, that certain boy not calling, my parents pissing me off and not having a car. They are idiotic miniscule things that the average person would just roll of their shoulders. I grip them hard because lord knows that the stain on my shirt is going to cause me drop dead any second now. In reality I grip hard on them because I don't like pain, I hate emotional pain. I am more than capable of dealing with it, but why do that? I can just expect the worst, have a shitty day all day long and if things don't work out I already dealt with the disappointment ahead of time. However, the best part about my depression is that if things do go the way I want them to I end up having the best day ever and I end up enjoying things going my way so much more. I commit emotional sabotage to avoid true sadness and depression. Is it selfish? Yes. Is it horrible? Not so much, it has worked out for me well so far. I can be stupid and selfish if I want to after all Im not hurting anyone only myself, they key is though Im hurting myself less then the real world would and that my friends is a beautiful thing.

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