The first one is a sad one

Sorry I've been MIA but I've been so incredibly busy with the family visiting. Today is my first day back home since Christmas and this feeling of nostalgia is all over me.

I tend to forget why I hate New Years so much, but I was quickly slapped in the face with that at midnight last night. This is the second year in a row I've been alone on New Years. I should have wrangled up a date, but where? I have been having the dry spell from hell.

First of all Dentist never called and I decided not to go visit Midland. I wanted to cry so badly when everyone around me was bringing in the new year with a kiss, the feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me.

I am not a needy person but today I just want someone to care for. I know he will come when I least expect it, but Jesus could you just hurry up a little bit?

Alone

"So how's Mike?"

"Mike died."

Shock.

"He died of a brain tumor this past May."

"I'm so sorry."

"It was horrible, they have give 14 months to live but he died in 9."

Mike was someone who I worked with about three years ago. Mike was older than me, 55 but he was someone who I enjoyed talking to. Mike was a ladies man, a blunt man, a lonely man. I always had a feeling of sadness for Mike, because he always seemed so alone. He went home to an empty apartment and wasn't close to his family.

Mike was in a long term relationship of 15 years with Dr. Z, our boss. They had a very disfunctional relationship and fought in front of me many times, it was uncomfortable and sad. The very odd thing is that they took care of each other, despite the fact that he had cheated on her and left her. They took comfort in each other and got past the negative to live a better live with each other in it.

Dr. Z took care of Mike the entire time he was sick. Dr. Z payed for all of Mike's medical expenses, he didn't have insurance and today she told me, " I wish I could have done more for him."

She cried and I just hugged her, not saying a word.

Dr. Z did more than most people ever would. He wasn't her husband not even a friend, he was her employee. However, she was there when it really mattered. She fought to give him every chance to live when she didn't have to.

I will pray for Mike and Dr. Z tonight, because no one in this world deserves to feel alone. Im very sad that I never had the opportunity to say bye to Mike, to see him one last time. That is life. You never know. I hope he didn't feel so alone when he left.

Not my idea of fun

Do not EVER EVER EVER say that your life is boring. Cause that clever, little guy up there, Hey there Jesus!

Well you know apparently according to Baby Jesus you shouldn't be bitching about your life being boring when you have SO MUCH work to do. Oh no, do not bitch because that's when you're going to get blindsided by a bunch of work. It will get thrown at you, all at once and it will need to be done RIGHT AWAY. AT THE SAME TIME, because they are all EQUALLY VERY IMPORTANT.

Then you will get bitched at because you're not super woman. (Small secret: I REALLY AM super woman, but I do not utilize my super powers at work, they don't even pay me enough to use my retard powers.)

But apparently a rhough day at work isn't enough punishment for bitching at Baby Jesus.

So then you will finally escape work and have to skip the gym because relatives are coming in and your Mom decides it's spring cleaning all over again. So Mom is spring cleaning and you're in charge of cooking dinner. Yeah, dinner. As in I have to make it from scratch, cause damn it we are not Gringos and we don't eat frozen food.

But because Im SUPER WOMAN as we speak I have mashed potatoes and wild rice pilaf on the stove. A small green salad in the fridge and tadah - A SMALL TURKEY in the oven. (Yeah, I don't know why I'm still single either)

Dear God,
Perhaps you didn't get the memo but my idea of fun isn't work. Especially not when Im swamped with it, and then bitched at. I love to cook but not when it interrupts my work out. So really let's fix this a.s.a.p or I am starting to drink again, TOMORROW.

Cause I can appreciate a nice piece of ass

Dear Sweet 8 pound 3 ounce Baby Jesus:

Please help the Horns kick some ass.
Speaking of asses can I have Brooke Burns'?

Amen and Hook Em'

From the bottom of my heart

My Dad called me yesterday afternoon to tell me he couldn't pick me up because he just had, "A pretty bad wreck."

I was so scared cause he sounded so shaken, nervous, choked up, and he was mumbling everything and couldn't say or understand much. He just said that it was pretty bad, he was ok and that he wasn't sure if someone else was hurt but the cops were on the way. My heart dropped to my stomach.

This is why I hate driving. A little over a couple of years ago my little Brother was involved in a drunk driving accident. This was no little accident but one that ended up shattering two families not to mention two bright futures, friends, and a whole community. One of my Brother's friends passed away due to the accident, he died instantly.

With that accident our lives changed completely, and if I could get one message out to the world is drinking and driving is SERIOUSLY not worth it. Believe me drinking and driving changes the world, maybe not the whole world, but someone's world. Sometimes someone's world is way more important than the entire BIG one. Because of that accident one world lacks a son, brother, grandchild, cousin, boyfriend and friend.

Do you know how powerful God is? Im not a bible beater or religious by any means. However, no one in this entire universe could convice me that God doesn't exist. In that accident there was supposed to be two lives lost and I know it was our prayers to God and his endless mercy that my brother is with us today. The road wasn't easy, he endured countless surgeries, was in the hospital far too long and has to deal with the law. He is scarred all over, but he's alive. He is doing great, has no complications, is doing well in school and has a great job. If that's not God then I don't know what is.

We don't deserve the mercy and miracles that God has given us. My entire family would give every single one of our lives if we could have Matt back with us, if it would take away one single ounce of pain that his family feels. We have become so incredibly close through all of this and that is a blessing in disguise. Our love for one another is beautiful, it's priceless.

As hard as times like those may seem it's amazing to discover just how much you love someone. The moment I got the phone call that my brother was in surgery I asked God to please let him live and take my life if he wanted. We all would have given up everything to have him with us, we weren't ready to let go. No one is ever ready to let go but we were extremely blessed that God wasn't ready to receive my brother either.

You know they say time heals all wounds, but I don't believe it. I think time makes you hide them a little better, but these type of wounds never heal. Ask my Brother or Matt's family.

All I have left to say in regards to that is:

Thank you God for your endless love, protection and mercy over my family and all my loved ones. Thank you for taking care of my Daddy and the driver of the other vehicle involved in the accident yesterday.

Thank you Mom, Dad, Pamela, Billy, Emilio and Shaun because without you guys I would find it very hard to wake up every morning. You, my family, are my world. You're my heart and soul. I would give every ounce of me if that's what it would take for you guys to never hurt.

Thank you Huss family for your kindness, unconditional love, and support you have given my brother and family despite all your grief. God has angels on earth and you are among them.

Matt, although you were taken from this earth way too soon God has received a beautiful soul in heaven. I pray for you and your family every day.


Thank you to the rest of my family and friends. You make my world an amazing one. The smiles, laughter and love you bring into my life are priceless and I will treasure every single one of them forever.

Thank you Snippy from the bottom of my heart for picking me up yesterday.

I just woke up today and felt like I needed to say thank you for a lot, so thank you.

Answered prayers.

Im sorry that once again I doubted that you would come through. I prayed so long for you to heal my heart, to make me whole on my own once again, to help me forget, to help me to not want, to help me move on. You have given me a blessing in disguise, you prepared me for it without me evening knowing. There is no sadness, loneliness, and yearning where I thought there would be. I thought I would be in despair, I thought there was no chance of me surving this thing. I didn't think I would come out in one piece. I know I do a lot of things that dissapoint you and because of that I tend to think you won't bother answering me. Why would you answer me? There are so many others that pray constantly, devote their life to you, and who live righteously. What I forgot is that you love us all the same and that you promised to not put us through something we couldn't get through. Thank you. I know my prayers aren't overlooked, I know my prayers aren't ever unanswered. I tend to forget that your time is not my time, and that your time is the right time. Thank you for keeping your promises even though I don't. I love you.