Kids Church Lesson Plan

Taught by: Me

1) Sinning might send you to hell but it's way more fun than church.

2) Lying is not always bad, little white lies can be very beneficial.

3)Be respectful or your parents, get good grades and don't break the law. The better your parents think you are the more you can get away with.

4) Drinking is not bad, actually being drunk is the MOST. FUN. EVER.

5) Actually drinking is Second MOST.FUN. EVER.

5) Sex is the MOST. FUN. EVER.

6) Being promiscous may get you pregnant or give you a strange discharge, but don't worry that's what condoms are for

7) Stay away from older hot chicks who try to talk to you on myspace, because your parents really are right the end result of that is no fun.

8) The coolest most popular kids sin, you should too.

* This post was once again brought to you by my extreme sarcasm. I taught the kids what I was supposed to teach them. After all it's much more fun to discover the wonderful world of sinning all on your own.

Why I babysit on ocassion

BEST. FORM. OF. BIRTH.CONTROL. EVER.

No humans coming out this cooter, ANY TIME SOON, if EVER.

It also helps that I haven't had sex in FOREVER.

Yay for no ripping of my sweet sweet vagina.

Cause I know that's the mental picture you needed, and on that note sweet dreams.

But Dude, "I Put Out."

Sloppy wrote a list of why he's such an eligible bachelor, the dude says he has, "10 inches of uncircumcised fun." Pretty impressive, eh?

So his little list got me thinking, man Im single and Im a good catch too, so here is my list of why Im such good girlfriend material:

- Im funny, I mean hello have you read my blog?
(ok so maybe Im not hilarious but I'll look pretty sitting right next to you)

- Im foreign

(so I've lived here for 15 years and I have no accent, I also sound like a valley girl sometimes but hey at least I already have my green card)

- I take good care of my appereance

(I will also always make you late because of this, at least an hour, but did I mention Id look good?)

- My Mom is hot

(you know that whole thing about look at a girl's Mom to see what she's going to look like in the future)

-Im intelligent

(ok more of a smartass, but you know guys love it when girls talk shit right?)

- I love beer

- I cuss

- Im perverted

(Yeah I promise Im not a dike, seriously, I like penises)

- I can turn my alcoholism on and off

(that's right I'll make your parents think im normal)

- Im not clingy

(you don't ever have to worry about me being outside your bedroom window)

- I know when to shut up

(Well, I will once you tell me to. Although I might slap you right before, but I'll shut up. )

- I am fluent in spanish

(this will come in handy when you're trying to make that drug deal with the Colombian drug lords, or when you have to tell your gardener how you want your bushes trimmed)

- I can cook

(Im also a really messy cook, and you're damn right Im going to make you wash the dishes)

- I won't make you go shopping with me.

(Just hand me your credit card and that will make up for your absence)

- I will watch sports with you.

(I will even pretend that Im actually enjoying them)

- I don't get jealous.

(this means you can't get jealous either)

- You can have all the boys night outs you want.

(but just so you know Im going to be on a girls night out and those get pretty wild)


- Im bossy.

(but guys like that whole domination thing right?)


Im also pretty clever.

I just made you eligible bachelors read this whole list, when really I could just have saved you time and told you that I put out.

Because really, I do. Like a lot. Like I wear most men out, a lot. And really isn't that the best quality a girl can have?

If you find yourself saying, " No Emma sex isn't everything."

Well then you're either

1) A liar
2) Haven't been serviced by me.

Im just saying let's cut out all that qualities, schmalities b.s. and get down to what really matters, cause really I could go for some sex right now.

The club's newest members

That club would be the, I Get Hot Girls Because Im Filthy Stinking Rich Club. I mean they are in THAT club, they went right past the I
Get Laid Cause I Have A Hot Car Club. Well mostly because most women are over serving the hot car club right after high school. Not that I would know anything about that. Seriously though, they even topped the, Im a celebrity club. Thanks to google another pair of nerds went straight up to the top of THE CLUB.

See why I find nerds totally hot? Eventually this is the kind of shit their brains leads them to stumble upon. I like shit that eventually brings in a lot of the green shit that buys you a lot more shit (money). Nothing makes a man sexier than lots of green.

All Im saying is that $1.65 billion dollars buys you a lot of pussy*

*Don't get all offended cause I said pussy. Im calling it like it is.

I will cut you with my baby

Mom Reportedly Throws Baby at Boyfriend in Domestic Dispute
Monday, October 09, 2006


ERIE, Pa. — A woman used her 4-week-old baby as a weapon in a domestic dispute, swinging the infant through the air and striking her boyfriend with the child, authorities said. The baby was critically injured in the attack early Sunday, said District Attorney Bradley Foulk.

"Never, never, never. I can never remember anything like this," Foulk told the Erie Times-News.

Chytoria Graham, 27, of Erie, was charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment and simple assault. She was held Monday in the Erie County Jail in lieu of $75,000 bail.

The infant, whose name and gender were not released, was taken to a hospital in Pittsburgh. Authorities did not identify the hospital, and the baby's condition Monday was not released.

There was no immediate indication whether the man Graham is accused of attacking was the baby's father.

Authorities removed four other children from Graham's home and placed them with the Erie County Office of Children and Youth, Foulk said.

What is wrong with people?

Sometimes I feel like throwing things, keyword: things. As in objects, not people. Sometimes I even feel like throwing things at people. But a baby?

Some people should have their vagina sown shut. Seriously, this woman doesn't just need her tubes tied, she needs her damn hole shut. That's right bitch, no sex for you. Then after her hole is closed we'll hand her over to her boyfriend and let him kick the living shit out of her, and this time we won't equip her with a baby.

You know what makes me feel old? When I sit here and wonder, "What the hell is this world coming to?"

All my life that is something I only heard from my elders, and now I watch and read the news and I ask the exact same question.

Another school shooting today. The media just will not shut up about the school shootings. Sure we need to be informed, but does it have to be at the front of every single news website, newspaper, and newscast? Can you just stop talking about the school shootings for a whole five minutes?

It's not that I am not sympathetic towards the victims and communities that these shootings have happened at. As a matter of fact I think the media should just STFU about it to allow them some peace. Let them grieve and attempt to rebuild some normalcy.

What's even worse is that psychopaths feed off that shit. The mind of a psychopath is really not as complicated as everyone thinks. Read about them. They all have the same thought patttern and they have been figured out. They thrive and crave attention. So stop giving it to them. Of course these shootings have similarites, psychopaths aren't the most original people on this earth. They feed off each other, they are copy cats. Stop sharing all the details, you're mapping it out for the next one.

Some people just need to stfu, me included, so end of rant.

Hook Em'

The only good thing that game out of dating frat guys is that I went to that game for free three years in a row and even though every time I've gone UT has lost it was pretty much The.Best.Time.Ever.

Kick some Sooner ass Horns!

Why do you make me want to touch myself?

Justin, Im at work. Stop it already.

So maybe I should have been cussing out google instead

I was looking over my blog stats this morning and it turns out that I may have been bitching out the wrong person/thing.

I found out that if you google the show of that media person the link to my blog that was sent to BB is result #6 on Google.

So FUCK YOU GOOGLE!


Other searches that lead to my blog:

"let him get off" tease

yager bomb


Yes, well alcohol and sex, what more could you expect?

Oh one more thing.

The links to the blogs of those whom I personally know have now been removed off my blog.

No more blog roll for me, this causes drama.

Kindly remove me off yours, I know Bob already did.

Obviously the reader who is spreading the news of my "evilness" hopped on over from one of those blogs.

P.S. Team Ramrod will kick ass tomorrow.

You know what? I DON'T CARE.

Why is my stupid blog about Bobby Bones causing this much drama? Why? Seriously?

This is my MOTHERFUCKING BLOG, and I can write about whatever I want to.

I have given my link to 4 people: Hi Snippy, Bob, Santi and Melinda.

I set my blog to private last night because I was so embarrased or afraid that my blog would be talked about on air and people would send me hate mail, comments etc.

You know what bring it the fuck on.

This is so childish and stupid. Who the fuck cares what I think? Why would anyone find what I write meaningful enough to send it to someone who I don't even know?

Honestly, I really don't care. This is their fault, not mine. So go ahead and send the link to my blog to whoever the hell you want, cause I don't care. Im not going to start censoring myself now.

For fucksakes people this is the motherfucking internet, didn't your parents ever tell you that everything on the internet is a fucking lie? Who takes the internet seriously? Who?

I shouldn't get scolded for what I wrote, especially by my friends. Fuck that. This is my blog, it's my business. I didn't say that YOU thought Bobby Bones was a tool. I said I think, as in ME.

I write this blog, it's MY opinion. If someone is going to be stupid enough to take my words as that of others then that is their motherfucking problem.

Rant over.

Ethiopia called...

Apparently some kid there wants his body back.

Why I need to drink with Bob, Snippy and Santi

I feel like booty dancing, and Bob is the Queen of Booty dancing among other things.

I know how much fun Snippy is when she orders alcohol instead of a Dr.Pepper.

Because just when I think I am too scandalous, slutty, loud and a lush Santi manages to make me look like a saint.

Oh yeah Santi, Im also tired of seeing your cigarettes at the bottom of my purse. They are totally cramping my style. At church on sunday instead of pulling out my wallet I pulled out your cigarettes, IN CHURCH, in front of MY WHOLE family. Did I mention that my parents are pastors now?

Now they think I smoke and they don't belive me when I tell them I don't since they know that I have sex, dirty dance, swear and lie. Someone doing that many bad things has to be a smoker and most likely does lines of coke off her Bible.

Mom and Dad, I don't smoke, lines of coke are more my thing. Let's face it smoking is just plain trashy. How to not be trashy is one lesson I did actually learn from you guys.

The One That Pissed Off The Media

Now Bobby Bones just plain gets on my nerves most of the time, he's a tool and yes I've interacted with him plenty of times to come to that conclusion.

However, this morning they did Homeless Theather. They went out on the street and paid homeless guys to re-enact famous movie scenes.

I saw Brokeback Mountain and I fell asleep. Im pretty sure I wouldn't fall asleep through Brokeback Mountain: Homeless Edition.

It was pretty fucking hilarious, I was seriously ROFLMFAO.

Did you hear that? I was rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off.

Im going to look for the pod-cast and try and put it on here.

You Don't Fuck Around With Me

I usually only give once change, I gave two. So this is all my fault. I take the blame but now I've deleted what should have been deleted a long time ago. I wasn't nice enough to warn you that you didn't want to meet the bitch in me, so good luck. It should be a good time for you.

The New Funniest Thing EVER

Over Heard In New York


Why I love it so much, I love randomness, I love eavesdropping on people cause I know this is the type of crazy/funny shit that is said.

Examples:

Woman: But He's so funny when he's not having seizures.
--Delancey & Essex

Overheard by: Evan


Black Woman looking at Nacho Libre Poster: I don't want to see foreign shit. Fuck that!

--AMC theatre, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: K. Smith


Drunk Guy:
Jesus saved me already you fucking cunt!

-Park Slope

Overheard by: Braincurve

Tourist Guy: Wow. I love this city. If New York had a cunt, I would eat it.

--Times Square

Overheard by: Monzo

So there is lots of cussing and pervertedness. I like it.

Old Balls

They like me. They follow me. They check me out and tell me how beautiful I am and how nice my outfit is. What the hell do old balls know about fashion? It creeps me out, makes me want to vomit, and I want to kick the old balls. I don't. In some weird way I feel sorry for the old balls, I mean they're old. They get no play. I hate the old balls not only for the awful things they do and make me feel, but for making me feel sorry for them. Damn it.