I booked my plane ticket to Midland for 12/28, I will be there until the 2nd. Im super excited. I can't wait to be with Midland again, I told myself I wasn't going to dive in head first but I can't help it.
Sometimes you just know.
I know where and with whom I'm supposed to be with.
There is no going back in my heart, I'm all in.
The post with the pictures, totally counts as my post for today.
So I give you this one just to once again cover my ass.
In other news it's official I am spending New Year's with Midland. I was up 'til 5 a.m. talking to him last night and we ended on a really really good note. For some reason I always wake up happier when that happens.
Happy Saturday all!
It's getting closer, the thing I've dreamt about for so long.
This time it might actually work out.
This time it's going to be different, it's going to be harder.
It's going to be truer.
I hope this time it's forever.
Forgiveness is a true revelation that God exists.
It's not easy to mend a broken love but love will never die if it's true.
Yup, that's me. Im letting not having him get to me again.
I plan on running at 5 a.m. tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be up for it. I won't be able to sleep tonight, if I do it will be with a soaked pillow.
The sad thing is he wasn't mean.
He was sweet and he said, "Sweet dreams."
Those two words make me miss him, the sweetest dreams I've ever had have been in his arms.
So Im trying to make some changes. Im removing the negative from my life and bringing in the positive. I talked about it in this blog entry.
Here is what I said I was going to kick to the curb:
1) Midland
2) Drinking
3) Sex
4) Dating
No Drinking: Check
I still haven't had anything to drink, 20 DAYS, but really who's counting?
No sex: Check
I have not had sex, the only action I've gotten in forever is from the floor and fondling my boob enhacement cup.
Dating: Check
Dating? What is that?
So as far as my list goes, so far so good, right?
WRONG!
#1 to quit: Midland
Im pretty sure quitting someone would mean no contact with them. Im also pretty sure that talking to them an hour every night on the phone for a week straight counts as contact. I could lie to you and tell you that really the conversations mean nothing, that it's just a part of the quitting him process, but then Id be lying and I would NEVER lie to you internet.
The things we've talked about:
1) Being nice to each other.
2) Letting go of the past.
3) Repairing our friendship.
4) Spending New Year's together.
5) How things will be when we get married.
That's right, when we get married. Not if we get married, when we get married. As in he wants to marry me as in we've talked about rings and me moving closer.
Marriage= not quitting someone FOREVER.
Midland= something I just don't know how to quit.
Everyone welcome Midland.
According to my site meter he has checked out my blog.
I really don't want him reading it but he already knows how psycho, scandalous, and boy crazy I am. So go ahead read on, NOTHING in here I haven't told you.
So yeah you're no longer talking to me and Im off your myspace friend's list AGAIN, but you can still come on here and read about EVERYTHING that's happening in my life. Sneaky, sneaky.
Im pretty sure it's about to get really scandalous in this little blog of mine.
I mean seriously, if you're trying to be all sneaky like and be really proud of yourself that you are able to spy on me. Well newsflash: Im going to those things that make me, "Just another Austin slut," even more.
You know what you're going to hate the most though? Im not going to be, " just another austin slut." Im going to be THE austin slut. Cause if you're going to do something god damn it, you better do it bigger and better than the Austin slut right next to you.
I came across this in my journal yesterday. This is something I wrote to Midland around the same time last year, he has never seen it. It's funny how I have come a long way from how I felt back then. At that time I couldn't see light in my life without him. I am ok without him now, but my feelings for him haven't changed. My love for him is so real, I still miss him everday. We still talk, but there is no hope for us.
Over the past few days I've been thinking how I could show you that I love you, or care about you. I truly believe that it's the distance that prevents me from showing you. I know that words don't mean much to you, but that's all I have. I wish I could give you my all. I wish that I could make you dinner, give you a hug, give you a massage after a hard day at work. I wish I could watch you play your video games, learn about your coding, all those things that I know in your eyes would be a demonstration of love. Sometimes I question why you are so hard on me, but at that same time I forced to remember how badly I have screwed up.
I did not do justice to us at all, whatsoever. As much as I regret it, with all that I am, I can do nothing to erase it. I am not going to dwell in the past, because my apologies are nothing but void words to you. At times I feel so helpless, I constantly wonder where we are going. As you know patience isn't a virtue I posses.
I know this will take time, but time without you doesn't go by fast. Time without you is eternal, slow, sad, and depressing. I have to remember the good times and what my goal is everyday, to not cry. I have to force myself to think in terms of days and not weeks, months, years.
Every day we fight, you get mad etc. I am reminded of what I have lost. It's so hard for me to hear cold indeference in your voice. I want so much to have that warmth again, but I know that is long gone. I have to start from a harder place that I ever imagined.
This is not starting from scratch, starting from scratch is a blank slate. We have sadness, lies, anger and love between us. At times I can be so positive, I can be strong, but missing you is my weakness. I tell myself every day that if I leave you alone, perhaps you'll start missing me too. However, my heart can't keep my brain from picking up the phone, or typing a message to say hi.
Im a dreamer, I have hopes. At times I am also a realist and those hopes are shut down. However, if I stop believening in you, God, miracles and love then what is there left to believe in?
Just myself. However, I am not myself without those things that I believe in. Ironic isn't it? I've come to find out that's how life is. I am sorry I am not making any sense, but I have so much to say but how come the words never come out right with you?
Arrgghh! I miss you Midland and love you more than words could ever express. I am and will always be yours, forever.
Emma
I am still his, I will be forever.
"Im single again, LOL."
That's how Midland, the love of my life ended his myspace message to me last night. He first apologized for accusing me of calling/emailing his work and getting him in trouble. Of course I didn't do that, so he apologized for thinking it was me but he also had to throw in that he was single again. Honestly I didn't think it was an LOL type of situation. I thought breaking up with someone who you called Baby, and who you said I love you to is supposed to be emotional, even sad. Or at least it was for us when we broke up.
Me: It's funny that you're single again?
Midland: It only lasted three weeks, she turned out to be a psycho too faced bitch.
He called me that once.
Me: Oh so she turned out to be an Emma?
Midland: No you're just crazy about me, she's psycho and has to take drugs for it.
Midland message #2:
Subject: P.S.
You look great in your pictures.
I can't believe the 25 y/o single mother who worked at Hooters didn't turn out to be the love of his life! Im totally surprised that she's so pyscho that she has to take "drugs" for it. Isn't crack whore part of the job description for Hooters Girl? He's very luck that he didn't end up becoming her Baby Daddy. No, you don't have to be the biological father to be a Baby Daddy. My Brother's Boss who is a successful, super hot and extremely nice 25 y/o is a Baby Daddy. His Baby Momma is pyscho and Im not using psycho lightly here, I mean the woman showed up at my b-day dinner with kid in tow un-invited after checking his voice mail and hearing where we were going to be at, and that is a mild instance of psychoness on her part. The kid isn't even his but he's Baby Daddy.
So back to Midland, I think the reason he said LOL after he told me was single was because he thought that maybe after I read that I would be laughing at him. Im sure he thought I was thinking to myself how much of an asshole he is, and that he totally deserved it. He forgot something, I love him. When I say I love him, Im not just throwing that around. I mean it. I meant it enough to walk away from him when I found out he was with her,I meant it enough to step away, move on and let him enjoy his happiness. I didn't say one single word about it, I sucked it up, cried alone and kept everything I felt to myself. I kept myself from emailing him to make fun of him or remind him how much better I am than the Hooters Mom. I know for most people that would be easy to do, but not for me. He wasn't lying, I was crazy about him. Midland forgot about something though, a promise, I promise I made to him while we were together. He told me in tears that no one ever understood him, that everyone always left him. I promised him that no matter what I would never leave him, I promised I would always be there. He forgot that I love him.
I love him, with all my heart. I never stopped loving him despite finding out he was dating this girl or despite that fact that Im attempting to move on. Of course Im not looking to get back together with him, surprisingly the news he wasn't with her anymore made me more sad for him than anything. You'd think I would be happier that this means I might have another chance with him. I don't have another chance with him and as much as I would like that sometimes, realistically speaking it would not be good for us. A month ago I would have jumped for joy, I would have called everyone who I thought might care. Right now Im simply just sorry for him. For once Im not resting all hopes and emotions in him and that makes me feel really empowered.
Regardless about what others might say I know what true love is. The world has this ideal of what true love is, that's what I've always thought until now. True love is not what I've always thought it to be, true love is exactly opposite of what I imagined. True love is deeply caring for someone and standing by as they make their lives with or without you, but always wishing them the best. True love is being there for them when they need you the most, but most importantly it's learing to let go when they need to be let go. True love is to laugh when they laugh, but more importantly to hurt when they hurt. True love is to cherish the good things that you had with them and to hold onto them in your heart, but more importantly true love is to forgive and throw out all the wrong that was done and to learn from it. True love for me is Midland.
Im sorry that once again I doubted that you would come through. I prayed so long for you to heal my heart, to make me whole on my own once again, to help me forget, to help me to not want, to help me move on. You have given me a blessing in disguise, you prepared me for it without me evening knowing. There is no sadness, loneliness, and yearning where I thought there would be. I thought I would be in despair, I thought there was no chance of me surving this thing. I didn't think I would come out in one piece. I know I do a lot of things that dissapoint you and because of that I tend to think you won't bother answering me. Why would you answer me? There are so many others that pray constantly, devote their life to you, and who live righteously. What I forgot is that you love us all the same and that you promised to not put us through something we couldn't get through. Thank you. I know my prayers aren't overlooked, I know my prayers aren't ever unanswered. I tend to forget that your time is not my time, and that your time is the right time. Thank you for keeping your promises even though I don't. I love you.
After the Academy Award Performance of Thurs night, I had a heart to heart with this person and it went extremely well. Its nice to know that you mean as much to someone as they mean to you. Now that we're both on the same page, there is a mutual understanding and boundaries have been set. So naturally we picked up right where we left off and headed out to 6th on Friday night. I met up with Steevan whom I hadn't seen in forever, I've known this guy since I was in 7th grade and its always extremely nice to catch up. It had almost been a year since I last saw him and we introduced our new friends to each other. Well actually his two new friends introduced themselves to me.
M: "Hey so you're Emma?"
Me: "Yes, I am, you're M right?
M: "Man, you know everyone in my life."
Me: "Really?"
M: "Yeah, everyone who Im friends with on myspace you're friends with, this girl I dated and you even know my apt complex manager."
a couple of minutes later
P: "So you're Emma."
Me: "Yup."
P: "Im P, man you're famous you know everyone."
Yeah Im a little embarrased, although I promise all the people we know mutually I didn't meet on myspace or anywhere on the internet. Atx is much too small, Santi and I always talk about how social circles never fail to have some sort of connection. For example: First night I met Santi I saw Lori who was one of my best friends in middle school and after she hugged me and said hi, she proceeded to hug Santi whom she had also known for a long time and we all freaked out that wow, this is a small world. Cat introduced me to one of her friends at her wedding and it just so happens that this person went to hs with him. Which brings me to the other part of this whole, "Atx is too small, " conclusion. I saw D that night too and he introduced me to his band mate, the manager of their band is His sister. It doesn't get much more random and crazy than that. I have known D for about 5 years, I met him through Steevan. D and I lived in the same apt complex while attending TX State in San Marcos, but his band mate goes to UT and knows His sister. He and I met a little bit over a year ago and dated on and off for about 7 months or so. He by the way is the love of my life, who I so stupidly lost and screwed things up beyond belief with. He is from Midland but was living in Alice, TX when I met him, he now lives in NM and pretty much hates me. Just so you know though I am absolutely, whole heartedly, crazy, madly in love with this man. So when I told D about the whole ex boyfriend and his manager connection he proceeded to tell me how he stayed at their parent's house in Midland during their tour and how absolutely amazing these people were. They are and that's just another thing I miss about having him.
Sorry I got sidetracked there for a little bit, this happens a lot, and it usually involves something about him.
We made it to Blind Pig Pub, Soho, and Dizzy Rooster. Nothing too exciting happened, but it was good to get my awesome friend and I back to normal.
Saturday was the awaited lake party with Santi. Santi had so graciously invited me to his brother's 30th birthday boat party a few weeks ago and I've been looking forward to it like crazy cause I absolutely <3 the lake and well I couldn't wait to meet the family of this insane character that is Santi. Santi said that they would have beer there but if there was anything that I wanted to drink in particular to just bring it along. Well I did, I B.Y.O.B.ed in style. I literally brought my own bar: tequila, salt, limes, margarita mix, wine, hypnotic and my awesome wine bottle opener. No im not an alcoholic, I just come prepared for spending time with Santi. It's not so much that he drives me to drink, but more like that boy is such a lush I was sure he could float the whole keg by himself. (I love you whorebagslutface) First went the bottle of wine because we couldn't wait for the boat to leave the dock to drink, it was too hot and well why drink water when you have alcohol available? Then came tequila shots with Aaron then margaritas, then more margaritas. After we docked off I stuffed my face with food and jumped in the water with a life jacket, I am super paranoid about party boats. The paranoia soon became non existent after my 3rd margarita and I went off the slide not one but three or four times. I did it of course making sure that someone was below me right next to the spot where I was landing ready to hand me a life jacket right away. I was having so much fun I convinced random girls to slide off with me, and life was great. Santi's family is awesome they had great food, beer, a party boat but mostly because when our driver was saying that , "Everyone better behave, not drink too much, or get out of control," his whole family including his Dad pointed to Santi and along with me said, "Yeah Santi!"
The party ended to quickly :(
However, who's up for renting a party boat before the summer is over?
Arlette, Luis and I met Pam (my gorgeous, way fun, amazing dancer, married sister) at Vicci. I don't know if it was my hot Corset top or maybe the sun I had gotten that day but from the moment I was standing in line to the moment I left I had boys wanting to dance with me. At one point I had two of them arguing over who I was going to dance with. Of course the bolder and Honduran one won (speaking of it being a small world, this guy happened to be from one of the poorest/worst neighborhoods in Honduras, called Tepiaca. My Grandma always says that her grandaughters need to get away from Honduras so they don't end up marrying an , "Indio from Tepiaca." Pam and I were cracking up because I didn't have to go all the way to Honduras to find me one, Grandma would be proud). He didn't leave me alone pretty much the whole night and when he did some other guy was right there. It was a boost to my ego and I have now made a note to wear that top out more often because I've only worn it once since I bought it in Dec. and obviously that was a mistake. We danced at Vicci until about 3 a.m.
We saw one of Pam's co-workers outside of Vicci, he happens to be extremely hot, Columbian and super nice. So of course Luis being the awesomely hot, gay, funny guy that he is says:
"There must be something wrong with him."
Arlette and I: "Why?"
Luis: "Well, he's single. "
Arlette and I: "So, that doesn't mean anything. "
Luis: "Trust me he either has a small penis or dingleberries."
Me: (cracking up in uncontrollable laughter) "You're so bad."
Arlette: (confused) What's a dingleberry?
Me: "Omg, its so gross." "This guy I used to date gave me that as a pet name, that's the only reason I know what it is."
Luis: "Gross."
Of course Luis did a good, graphic job of explaining dingleberries to Arlette and I didn't stop laughing the whole time.
Pam and I made a run to Taco C and I swear that is the LONGEST I have waited for food EVER in my life. The night turned out to be a very late one because my brother in law needed to be rescued from a bachelor party at the Omni. Needless to say I spent all of sunday napping and watching tv. The weekend couldn't have gone any better, Im so ready for friday.
Because when he's holding you,Know that it's killing me, Let my memory be the reason girl That you can't sleepAnd everytime you feel his touch,I pray to God it's not enough And that I've touched your heart so deep Girl, you can't shake me Cause I love you,Yes I need you,Miss me baby. Everytime you hear this song,Miss me baby...
-Chris Cagle, Miss Me Baby
Its a long story, one that Im sure if you get to know me you will hear. My heart is out west, and honestly I don't think I'll ever get it back. I hope that when he holds someone else he realizes how much its killing me, and I want my memory to be the reason he can't sleep, and everytime he feels her touch I pray to God its not enough and I hope I touched his heart so deep that he can't shake me. I love him, I need him, I want him to miss me. Everytime he hears this song I want him to think of me. I know that I don't need this song to feel, want, and hope those very things. I already do, every minute of every day.
