Friday, September 01, 2006

Last Year

I came across this in my journal yesterday. This is something I wrote to Midland around the same time last year, he has never seen it. It's funny how I have come a long way from how I felt back then. At that time I couldn't see light in my life without him. I am ok without him now, but my feelings for him haven't changed. My love for him is so real, I still miss him everday. We still talk, but there is no hope for us.

Over the past few days I've been thinking how I could show you that I love you, or care about you. I truly believe that it's the distance that prevents me from showing you. I know that words don't mean much to you, but that's all I have. I wish I could give you my all. I wish that I could make you dinner, give you a hug, give you a massage after a hard day at work. I wish I could watch you play your video games, learn about your coding, all those things that I know in your eyes would be a demonstration of love. Sometimes I question why you are so hard on me, but at that same time I forced to remember how badly I have screwed up.

I did not do justice to us at all, whatsoever. As much as I regret it, with all that I am, I can do nothing to erase it. I am not going to dwell in the past, because my apologies are nothing but void words to you. At times I feel so helpless, I constantly wonder where we are going. As you know patience isn't a virtue I posses.

I know this will take time, but time without you doesn't go by fast. Time without you is eternal, slow, sad, and depressing. I have to remember the good times and what my goal is everyday, to not cry. I have to force myself to think in terms of days and not weeks, months, years.

Every day we fight, you get mad etc. I am reminded of what I have lost. It's so hard for me to hear cold indeference in your voice. I want so much to have that warmth again, but I know that is long gone. I have to start from a harder place that I ever imagined.

This is not starting from scratch, starting from scratch is a blank slate. We have sadness, lies, anger and love between us. At times I can be so positive, I can be strong, but missing you is my weakness. I tell myself every day that if I leave you alone, perhaps you'll start missing me too. However, my heart can't keep my brain from picking up the phone, or typing a message to say hi.

Im a dreamer, I have hopes. At times I am also a realist and those hopes are shut down. However, if I stop believening in you, God, miracles and love then what is there left to believe in?

Just myself. However, I am not myself without those things that I believe in. Ironic isn't it? I've come to find out that's how life is. I am sorry I am not making any sense, but I have so much to say but how come the words never come out right with you?

Arrgghh! I miss you Midland and love you more than words could ever express. I am and will always be yours, forever.


I am still his, I will be forever.

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