Monday, October 16, 2006

But Dude, "I Put Out."

Sloppy wrote a list of why he's such an eligible bachelor, the dude says he has, "10 inches of uncircumcised fun." Pretty impressive, eh?

So his little list got me thinking, man Im single and Im a good catch too, so here is my list of why Im such good girlfriend material:

- Im funny, I mean hello have you read my blog?
(ok so maybe Im not hilarious but I'll look pretty sitting right next to you)

- Im foreign

(so I've lived here for 15 years and I have no accent, I also sound like a valley girl sometimes but hey at least I already have my green card)

- I take good care of my appereance

(I will also always make you late because of this, at least an hour, but did I mention Id look good?)

- My Mom is hot

(you know that whole thing about look at a girl's Mom to see what she's going to look like in the future)

-Im intelligent

(ok more of a smartass, but you know guys love it when girls talk shit right?)

- I love beer

- I cuss

- Im perverted

(Yeah I promise Im not a dike, seriously, I like penises)

- I can turn my alcoholism on and off

(that's right I'll make your parents think im normal)

- Im not clingy

(you don't ever have to worry about me being outside your bedroom window)

- I know when to shut up

(Well, I will once you tell me to. Although I might slap you right before, but I'll shut up. )

- I am fluent in spanish

(this will come in handy when you're trying to make that drug deal with the Colombian drug lords, or when you have to tell your gardener how you want your bushes trimmed)

- I can cook

(Im also a really messy cook, and you're damn right Im going to make you wash the dishes)

- I won't make you go shopping with me.

(Just hand me your credit card and that will make up for your absence)

- I will watch sports with you.

(I will even pretend that Im actually enjoying them)

- I don't get jealous.

(this means you can't get jealous either)

- You can have all the boys night outs you want.

(but just so you know Im going to be on a girls night out and those get pretty wild)

- Im bossy.

(but guys like that whole domination thing right?)

Im also pretty clever.

I just made you eligible bachelors read this whole list, when really I could just have saved you time and told you that I put out.

Because really, I do. Like a lot. Like I wear most men out, a lot. And really isn't that the best quality a girl can have?

If you find yourself saying, " No Emma sex isn't everything."

Well then you're either

1) A liar
2) Haven't been serviced by me.

Im just saying let's cut out all that qualities, schmalities b.s. and get down to what really matters, cause really I could go for some sex right now.


slopmaster said...

that's all you need to say. But all those other qualities are great too. Add 'wear sexy underwear to bed' and I'm buying a ticket to NY tomorrow.

Tbone Stallone said...


JOHN said...

You sound like the woman of my dreams....