Bah humbug!

Can you say that for Halloween? Well, Im saying it cause I am not in the halloween mood. Halloween Schmalloween, I think I'd be enjoying it if there was alcohol involved or a hot boy.

So you guys try and enjoy it for me, k?

Memo #3

You shouldn't tell me that Im hot and that my bangs are cute after you've rejected me.

Oh and then

When I bite my toungue and hold myself back because I have to see you every week and you're friends with my friends don't send a confusing message.

I preffer silence from you once I find out you don't have any balls.

Let me help you find your balls

Fucking men.

If I ask you if you'd like to have dinner or coffee with me sometime, then I expect a yes or no. Don't try and spare my feelings.

Don't try and be clever and cute by telling me I would break your friend's/roomate's heart and that Id also be a homewrecker. Then don't tell me how you had an awesome time Friday night dancing and how you have to throw another party at your house so we could dance it up.

Why don't you fucking grab your balls, grunt, fart and adjust your balls and tell me, "No."

You don't even have to say thanks. Just say, "No I don't think I want to go out to dinner with you."

Tell me that you're not interested, don't fucking throw out that your friends likes me. First of all I didn't even know he liked me and you and I both know that hell would have to freeze over for me to be interested in your friend. Your friend has met me ONCE, Im sure he wouldn't be heartbroken.

Ok, sure you're trying to be a nice guy but it took you a whole fucking day to come up with the friend excuse? Why didn't you tell me that right away, because if that's really why you don't want to have dinner with me then you could have easily thrown that out yesterday, it's pretty obvious you were thinking of how exactly to let me down.

First of all don't give yourself that much credit, Im not heartbroken. Second of all grow some fucking balls. Third, learn how to be a better fucking liar. Fourth don't ever insult my intelligence again by throwing a little white lie my way.

You don't have balls, you're a liar and you don't have pre-marital sex. So really, I didn't want to date you in the first place.

Not for your Mom

Or mine.

This is the comment Bob left on my myspace page:

Blog = on the list.
Mom = can never know.

Yeah Bob my Mom AND Dad can never know about this blog either. I think they'd have a heart attack and then after the get over the initial shock of my perveted, corruped, sinful ways they'd perform an exorcism on me.

Yes internet, sometimes I don't cuss or use the word cunt. This normally happens at church or around my parents, as Bob kindly put it on her blog roll, for mature audiences ONLY.

So in conclusion everyone is welcome to my blog if you don't like the dirtyness, then move along.


You're not my Mom internet, I don't have to censor myself for you.

This is revolting

Im no longer going to do the Love Thursday posts, they make me want to puke.

Im sorry I exposed you guys to that. God damn it I need my fucking alcohol, Im not sweet, Im not nice. I hate rainbows (no not gays, rainbows, I hate rainbows), bunnies, and clowns. I don't throw up peace signs, hug trees, and dream of the world being perfect.

I am self righteous, bitchy, critical, and brutally honest. Im plain fucking evil. Im evil with a little fun. Im a cunt. Im a bitchy cunt.

Normally this weekend Id be participating in Halloween activities, dressing up in a really slutty costume (I love being slutty) but instead Im going to help with the kids carnival at church and then NOTHING.

Im fucking pathetic but Im not going to drink because even though I love being a raging alcoholic I love being a bitchy cunt that is insanely stubborn even more and I will not let anyone prove me wrong. Im not going to drink because I don't want to hear, "I knew you couldn't do it!"

On December 21st Im going to go on a bender, Im going to drink Austin fucking dry, I will pass out, black out and puke all night.

Don't worry about me, I'll be ALRIGHT. I THINK.

Love Thursday

Forgiveness is a true revelation that God exists.



It's not easy to mend a broken love but love will never die if it's true.

DANCING IS THE DEVIL!

So kickball is over and I need something to do, something to make me feel like Im doing something productive, something semi athletic.

So what did I do?

I signed up for a dance class. A hard core dance class that includes modern, hip hop and some other type of dancing into it. Now while I am expert booty dancer, and I dance some salsa and merenge I have never had any formal instrucion.I've never danced with structure, and beat counts and technique requirements. The 6 months of ballet class I took when I was like 5 do not count. Im mean Im pretty sure I was awesome at the plie and piroutte but my parents decided that any type of dancing comes from the devil and they shattered my ballerina dreams.

I start class today and Im super excited, Im ready to get my ass kicked and get all Flashdance up in that dance studio, if not I'll just bust out some Miss New Booty moves because those moves, those moves always work.

This makes my panties wet

Seriously, watching this makes me pee a little every time.



HILARIOUS!

So internet (Snippy, Santi, Bob!) let's plan on getting a group together at Alamo Draft House to watch this.

It comes out November 3rd! Which is next Friday.

You guys can have beer/wine etc and I'll try to take it easy on the hot chocolate, because I am not missing this one.

Not my idea of fun

Do not EVER EVER EVER say that your life is boring. Cause that clever, little guy up there, Hey there Jesus!

Well you know apparently according to Baby Jesus you shouldn't be bitching about your life being boring when you have SO MUCH work to do. Oh no, do not bitch because that's when you're going to get blindsided by a bunch of work. It will get thrown at you, all at once and it will need to be done RIGHT AWAY. AT THE SAME TIME, because they are all EQUALLY VERY IMPORTANT.

Then you will get bitched at because you're not super woman. (Small secret: I REALLY AM super woman, but I do not utilize my super powers at work, they don't even pay me enough to use my retard powers.)

But apparently a rhough day at work isn't enough punishment for bitching at Baby Jesus.

So then you will finally escape work and have to skip the gym because relatives are coming in and your Mom decides it's spring cleaning all over again. So Mom is spring cleaning and you're in charge of cooking dinner. Yeah, dinner. As in I have to make it from scratch, cause damn it we are not Gringos and we don't eat frozen food.

But because Im SUPER WOMAN as we speak I have mashed potatoes and wild rice pilaf on the stove. A small green salad in the fridge and tadah - A SMALL TURKEY in the oven. (Yeah, I don't know why I'm still single either)

Dear God,
Perhaps you didn't get the memo but my idea of fun isn't work. Especially not when Im swamped with it, and then bitched at. I love to cook but not when it interrupts my work out. So really let's fix this a.s.a.p or I am starting to drink again, TOMORROW.

The cat lady minus the cats

My life is BORING.

- up at 5 .m.
- work from 7 a.m. - 6 p.m.
- no more alcohol
- no boys
- no sex
- church
- no more kickball
- bed by 10 p.m.

Seriously, I need some help. The lack of alcohol has ruined my life.

I miss drunk dialing, sex, passing out, and being hung over.

What can I say? The most fun I've ever had was when I was being trashy.

Stupid girl

Yup, that's me. Im letting not having him get to me again.

I plan on running at 5 a.m. tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be up for it. I won't be able to sleep tonight, if I do it will be with a soaked pillow.

The sad thing is he wasn't mean.

He was sweet and he said, "Sweet dreams."

Those two words make me miss him, the sweetest dreams I've ever had have been in his arms.

Bush's genitals to talk Iraq strategy

The headline (haha headline) actually reads:

Bush, generals to talk Iraq strategy

Yeah so Im a little perverted.

Seriously though, the whole Iraq situation well it can be summarized by my interpretation of the headline. Really Mr. President it's a sad when a Republican says that.

The Incredible Honduran

Today was Team Ramrod's last kickball game of the season. The game went something like this:

We might actually win this one.

We are going to win this one.

We are getting our asses kicked.

We are going to lose AGAIN.

Hey omg we totally kicked ass and caught up.

OMG we're going to win!

OMG OMG Emma scored a run making 8-7!

No really, OMG Emma scored a run.

And Emma is running around and jumping like an idiot because OMG She scored a run.

Oh wait but we let them score and now we're tied.

Yeah so we tied our last game 8-8.

But really all that matters is that I SCORED A RUN.

My Constant

When I'm lost in the rain,In your eyes I know I'll find the light to light my way.And when I'm scared,And losing ground,When my world is going crazy,You can turn it all around.And when I'm down you're there- pushing me to the top.
You're always there,giving me all you've got.

When I lose the will to win,
I just reach for you and
I can reach the sky again.
I can do anything
'Cause your love is so amazing,
'Cause your love inspires me.
And when I need a friend,
You're always on my side
Giving me faith
taking me through the night
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love
to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you.

I know we have our differences. I know that I've let you down too many times. I know that I don't deserve all you do and continue to do for me, but that is why you're the light of my life. Your compassion, love, forgiveness and encouragement drive me every day. I promise your prayers will not go unanswered, I promise I will make you proud one day. Im sorry Im not the daughter you deserve but I thank you for loving me despite of all my faults. I can't ever say that there is no one there, because you never leave me. You're my constant, my true friend, my heart.

This post brought to you by Love Thursday.

Kids Church Lesson Plan

Taught by: Me

1) Sinning might send you to hell but it's way more fun than church.

2) Lying is not always bad, little white lies can be very beneficial.

3)Be respectful or your parents, get good grades and don't break the law. The better your parents think you are the more you can get away with.

4) Drinking is not bad, actually being drunk is the MOST. FUN. EVER.

5) Actually drinking is Second MOST.FUN. EVER.

5) Sex is the MOST. FUN. EVER.

6) Being promiscous may get you pregnant or give you a strange discharge, but don't worry that's what condoms are for

7) Stay away from older hot chicks who try to talk to you on myspace, because your parents really are right the end result of that is no fun.

8) The coolest most popular kids sin, you should too.

* This post was once again brought to you by my extreme sarcasm. I taught the kids what I was supposed to teach them. After all it's much more fun to discover the wonderful world of sinning all on your own.

Why I babysit on ocassion

BEST. FORM. OF. BIRTH.CONTROL. EVER.

No humans coming out this cooter, ANY TIME SOON, if EVER.

It also helps that I haven't had sex in FOREVER.

Yay for no ripping of my sweet sweet vagina.

Cause I know that's the mental picture you needed, and on that note sweet dreams.

Remember that media guy I pissed off?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjeKEHHLNOY


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kETtbouALYw

Yeah and I was totally wrong to call him a tool right?

*rolls eyes*

Yeah, that's right I rolled my eyes at your internet.

The game that almost made me crap my pants

I went a little camera crazy at the game on Sat, so I had to pic my favorites to show you guys.







Yes, I took lots of pictures of the marching band. I admit I love marching bands. Yes, I was a band geek at one point, I marched in the band and I played the flute and NO I didn't stick it in my vagina.

Here is my favorite:



Isn't burnt orange beautiful?

The games was fun except for the whole first quarter when the horns were playing like shit and when we were losing 10-0 to FREAKING Baylor. That's just not right horns, don't put your fans through that.

Luckily we did end up kicking some major Baylor Bear ass.

I wish I had cool pictures to show of my friend and I at the game but we ended up asking these old guys to take the pictures and they ended up being super big pervs and they took a picture of my ass instead.

When it started to rain they also asked us why we brought super large condoms to the game, puke.

Behold my head in a large condom:



You know you're really kickin some ass in a game when you stop to take silly self pictures:

But Dude, "I Put Out."

Sloppy wrote a list of why he's such an eligible bachelor, the dude says he has, "10 inches of uncircumcised fun." Pretty impressive, eh?

So his little list got me thinking, man Im single and Im a good catch too, so here is my list of why Im such good girlfriend material:

- Im funny, I mean hello have you read my blog?
(ok so maybe Im not hilarious but I'll look pretty sitting right next to you)

- Im foreign

(so I've lived here for 15 years and I have no accent, I also sound like a valley girl sometimes but hey at least I already have my green card)

- I take good care of my appereance

(I will also always make you late because of this, at least an hour, but did I mention Id look good?)

- My Mom is hot

(you know that whole thing about look at a girl's Mom to see what she's going to look like in the future)

-Im intelligent

(ok more of a smartass, but you know guys love it when girls talk shit right?)

- I love beer

- I cuss

- Im perverted

(Yeah I promise Im not a dike, seriously, I like penises)

- I can turn my alcoholism on and off

(that's right I'll make your parents think im normal)

- Im not clingy

(you don't ever have to worry about me being outside your bedroom window)

- I know when to shut up

(Well, I will once you tell me to. Although I might slap you right before, but I'll shut up. )

- I am fluent in spanish

(this will come in handy when you're trying to make that drug deal with the Colombian drug lords, or when you have to tell your gardener how you want your bushes trimmed)

- I can cook

(Im also a really messy cook, and you're damn right Im going to make you wash the dishes)

- I won't make you go shopping with me.

(Just hand me your credit card and that will make up for your absence)

- I will watch sports with you.

(I will even pretend that Im actually enjoying them)

- I don't get jealous.

(this means you can't get jealous either)

- You can have all the boys night outs you want.

(but just so you know Im going to be on a girls night out and those get pretty wild)


- Im bossy.

(but guys like that whole domination thing right?)


Im also pretty clever.

I just made you eligible bachelors read this whole list, when really I could just have saved you time and told you that I put out.

Because really, I do. Like a lot. Like I wear most men out, a lot. And really isn't that the best quality a girl can have?

If you find yourself saying, " No Emma sex isn't everything."

Well then you're either

1) A liar
2) Haven't been serviced by me.

Im just saying let's cut out all that qualities, schmalities b.s. and get down to what really matters, cause really I could go for some sex right now.