Thursday, November 02, 2006

By request

Sloppy had the brilliant suggestion that since I haven't been getting drunk lately (40 days!) that I should share my best drunk story ever. I started jogging my memory last night going through what I can actually remember of my drunk times, because honestly Internet it's all a blurr. That's a little embarrassing, I'm 23 years old and my memory is really fuzzy and choppy. I'm pretty sure Alzheimer's is in my future, yay.

On my little trip down drunk memory lane I realized that most of my drunk stories are not necessarily good stories, just funny things that happened here and there that I just happen to remember. Things that are only funny if you were there. Suddenly this morning I thought outside the box(imagine that!) and asked myself what would the Internet think is a good drunk story? This one little story came to mind, because it seems every time I tell this story people laugh at me A LOT. Now, I didn't really find it too humorous at the time, but now I realize it is pretty damn funny. So here it goes:

I was hanging out with my friend Alissa and her girls at Dizzy Rooster over SXSW (South by Southwest Festival), so of course the place was super packed. At the time Real World: Austin was also filming and Dizzy Rooster happened to be the favorite hang out of the RW gang. So it was crammed in there and I didn't like it, my Colombian friend, Santiago texted that I should meet him at Bongos for salsa dancing. The girls I was with weren't interested in going so I headed out by myself (not a good idea on SXSW weekend)

As I am making my way out of the entrance of Dizzy Rooster I suddenly felt a hand go up my skirt and in between my legs and immediately a chill went up my spine and disgust took over my whole body. I am as feisty as they get and even feistier when I'm under the influence of alcohol, so naturally my immediate reaction was to turn around and punch the nasty bastard who did that.

As I turn around to hit the asshole in the face I realize that asshole is actually a woman. A woman who was manlier then most men I know, she was about 280, 6'2" with a short buzz cut. Immediately my disgust tripled and I forgot how tiny I am. I let the rage and alcohol take control of me and I screamed, "Do I look like a fucking dike to you?"

"Stupid cunt!" and with that I punched the bitch in the shoulder.

I finished my exit out of the club and I got three steps outside of the bar when the next thing I know my body is tackled into the front left tire of a truck. My natural instinct was not to fight back (ha ha yeah I'm a pussy) I just covered my face. She didn't fight like a woman, she just started wailing on me like a man and it took two decent size guys to pry her off of me. In the process of the fall my left knee hit the tire and pavement hard as well as my left elbow. They were immediately swollen and they hurt like hell.

The first thing I did when the two guys helped me up from the pavement and underneath the truck was to look in my purse for a mirror. I had to make sure that my face was OK and that none of my make up had been smeared, because the most important thing to do after you've been beat up outside a bar is to make sure you still look hot enough to hit up the next one.

Now if I hadn't been drinking I would have gone to the cops and reported the stupid dike but instead I had the two guys (TWO STRANGERS!) walk me over to 5Th and Neches to meet my friends for Salsa dancing. That's right I salsa danced all night on a super swollen knee with the help of many tequila shots and long island iced teas. I had the most fun ever that night acting like a cute little victim, I got many sympathy drinks and all the attention. I even busted out with the Lisa Turtle sprain dance.

It was the most. fun. ever. Until I woke up the next morning not being able to walk and I had to tell my Mom that I had been tripped by a dog while running. Now I realize that this doesn't sound like a very fun, very good drunk story but HEllO I got beat up by a LESBIAN, not many people can say that.

I mean I could have told you about the skinny dipping drunk story that involved my first girl on girl kiss, or about the time I peed myself in public, or how I am officially banned from two fraternity houses on UT campus, or how I almost died at a foam party or how I beat up a guy with my shoe but you see Internet those are things Id NEVER admit to, but getting beat up by a lesbian that I will admit to because what can I say? I'm hardcore like that.

Your turn Sloppy


slopmaster said...

very nice. This had many of the drunk story factors, drunkedness, chickfight, lesbians. I'll think about mine and post it next.

Tbone Stallone said...

Nice story
you get a extra point for the lisa turtle reference

2 Dollar Productions said...

That's a good one, and Tbone's right as if there a role model to look up to when attempting to dance with an injury - it's Lisa Turtle.

And all foam parties are dangerous as hell.