Monday, November 13, 2006

Let's keep this between you and me

I have a confession to make. I actually don't miss drinking that much. There has been a lot of good to come out of it. GASP!

I know I bitch about it a lot. Like all the time on here. However, Internet it's really not that bad. Hangovers are thankfully a thing of the past and well not throwing up, that's also a plus too. Although you know I could afford to lose a few pounds, KIDDING!

All those boys whose phone numbers are in my cell phone, well I think their life is now better too. I'm pretty sure that they don't miss my late drunk dials and text messages, especially on weeknights. That's right I'm making the world a better place with one less drunk dial at a time.

I've saved money. Lots of money, money that buys me designer jeans and makeup and shoes and belts and Starbucks, OH MY! My ass looking like a million bucks feels way better than any buzz that a Long Island ever gave me. (OK, yeah that's lie) It's close though, really really close.

You know what is better than being drunk though? Now my daily routine of saying good-bye to my Mother before I leave the house is sweeter than it's ever been. When I give her a kiss and hug good-bye every morning now, I see pride in her eyes. My Mother is proud of me. I know that we're not supposed to get fulfillment from someone Else's approval of us, but knowing my Mom is proud of me without her having to say it. Well, it fills my heart up so much it could burst. She's my new best friend, the person I spend the most time with. I enjoy it, I love it. We have conversations not fights, arguments or lectures.

My partying has been hard on my Mother, she worried about me a lot. I have taken away years of her life. I know it. I could see it. I didn't care, getting stupid drunk was much more important. How selfishly disgusting of me, because taking life away from the being who gave me life wasn't enough. It's wrong in so many ways, and I didn't care. The night my Brother was in his car accident my Mom was awakened suddenly and she felt she needed to pray for me. The exact night, she had a feeling I would be the one to have something bad happen to me because of my drinking. She got up and she prayed, for me. I believe God listened to her because I was at home safe in my apartment that early morning. How horrible is it to know you're the child that your Mother worries the most about?

Confession #2. I have betrayed my Mother, twice. No need to go into details but most parents would have turned me away. My Mother, she embraced me harder after she poured out endless tears before me. To see your Mother break down because of you, it rips your soul out and I DESERVE it.

Leaving our house every morning knowing that she is in peace and proud of me, it's worth more than all the alcohol in the this world. More than any drunken moment I've ever had. More than any emotion or feeling that alcohol could ever give me. That feeling is worth more than anything in this world. That feeling is so good I could die happy today. I have no regrets, I live in peace.

Being truly content is not only about my Mother. It's about no longer needing to hear or feel the touch of another, because as you know I not only dialed drunk, but I dialed sober. I am so happy that I am now willing to recognize that I used to seek physical and emotional touch from others to mask loneliness and sadness. Confession #3 I suffered from depression.

I'm so truly content now that I am willing to admit it.

Now I'm sure you're waiting for confession #4 to be that I am an alcoholic. HAH. Does this look like AA to you? No twelve step program here. I don't need one. My faults and depression can't be blamed on alcohol, all of that is on me. I never drank enough to blame it on alcohol.

Also if I was an alcoholic I could never drink again and seriously I can't give up drinking and being slutty all together. Then what would I blog about? That's right Internet Im a drunken slut just for you.

Seriously though, drinking it matters. That's why I said I don't miss it THAT much.

1 comment:

slopmaster said...

If you're THAT happy, and it gives you THAT much fulfillment to see other people happy, maybe you don't have to blog about the drunkedness. This was your best post yet!